Navigating Fatherhood as a Black Man

The editor of a new book of essays shares how Black men can attend to
their mental health while growing their families.

By Christina Caron for NY TIMES

June 16, 2022

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This year Father’s Day will fall on June 19, or Juneteenth, a federal holiday commemorating the emancipation of enslaved Black people in the United States after the Civil War. And for Michael D. Hannon, an associate professor of counseling at Montclair State University in Montclair, N.J., that is “an awesome coincidence.”

“We can celebrate Black fathers who are doing their best to protect, provide and prepare their families for success, while also acknowledging the spirit and the resilience and the pursuit of freedom among Black people in this country,” he said.

Dr. Hannon, the self-described father of “two dope Black children” — an 18-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter — has been counseling Black fathers for the last 10 years. And as the editor of the new book “Black Fathering and Mental Health,” he now seeks to elevate the voices of Black fathers — and aspiring ones, too — who also happen to be mental health counselors. Through a series of essays, each writer offers unique perspectives on the needs, challenges and victories of Black fathering in an “anti-Black world.”

The book can serve as a resource for other counselors to help them provide culturally affirming and relevant support to Black fathers, but the personal stories in the collection are also meant for a general audience, who may identify with many of the joys and difficulties presented within.

“It should not be this hard, am I right?” asked one of the essayists, S. Kent Butler, a professor of counselor education and school psychology at the University of Central Florida. “No, I am not right. When it comes to our Blackness, very little is easy about self-acceptance and others’ acceptance. So, where does the strength and resilience come from? What makes it all right? I believe it is my tribe.”

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

What inspired you to create this book? And why now?

Much of the research I do is about Black fathers. So this has, quite frankly, been a long time coming. I really wanted to do at least three things.

The first was to amplify the voices of Black fathers. Period.

Second, I wanted for other people to be able to read and hear these voices in ways that maybe they hadn’t before.

And then third, all of the people who wrote chapters in this book are mental health professionals. I asked them to answer some very specific questions: What might be useful for mental health professionals who are treating or serving Black father clients? What influenced their fathering practice? Did they seek counseling support if and when they confronted challenges and obstacles? And if they did, what did they learn? And if they didn’t, what stopped them?

One of the essayists, Linwood G. Vereen, an associate professor of counseling education at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania who has fathered five biracial children, wrote: “What I have learned in my journey through counseling is that my needs are valid. I have learned that it’s OK to release the unrealistic expectations of others that hurt my soul, and that my Black life matters. I have learned that as much as my children need to see success in life, they must also learn humility through seeing their father show humility.”

Tell me more about why it was particularly important for you to feature the voices of Black fathers.

It’s very easy to consume content about Black men that focuses on some of the challenges that have been systemically placed before us.

You know the stereotype of the absentee Black father, or the overrepresentation of Black men who are incarcerated. But there’s a much more nuanced, rich and complex set of experiences that Black men have. There’s so much to know and understand and appreciate about who Black men are in the context of their communities and how they serve their biological children, and their fictive kin — or the children for whom they are “play uncles” and “play cousins.”

And that’s important because we’re all subject to stereotyping and having prejudiced viewpoints, and no one deserves that. Things like going to the pediatrician with your child and the medical professionals telling you that they’re surprised to see you. Or going to another specialist appointment, maybe with your partner, and the medical professional or the specialist not even addressing any questions to you. Custody cases can transpire in the court systems, as well, that may position Black fathers to not be able to be as engaged as they may want to be.

Are there gems of wisdom from the book that may be helpful to Black fathers?
 
We are socialized to be protectors of our families, protectors of our partners; to provide for our children and families; and prepare them for success. And that’s a lot of pressure. And many times that ability has been influenced by somebody’s socioeconomic profile. What we know now is that fathers, and Black fathers in particular, are contributing in ways much broader than financial provision, and finding ways to emotionally provide for their children. I can’t overstate how important those things are.

“My children are the poster examples of strong, graceful, resilient, fearless and powerful, and most days they use their agency in an unapologetic manner,” Dr. Vereen wrote. “My greatest hope as their father is that they will always do this.”

How can Black fathers protect their mental health?

It’s not easy. What I would remind all Black fathers, and people in general, is that we have to find people and spaces that allow us to be as transparent as possible. We have to find community.

For me, personally, my professional network — whether they’re counselors or my fraternity brothers — there are groups of men to whom I can go and be as brutally honest and as vulnerable as I need to be. It allows me to share all of the victories and the things that I want to celebrate — and it allows me also to share the most challenging, the most vulnerable parts of my experiences, hopefully without fear of judgment.

READ MORE

Here’s what makes ‘positive parenting’ different—
and why experts say it’s one of the best parenting styles

Amy McCready, Contributor@AMYMCCREADYPPS - Published Sat, Dec 4 202110:30 AM EST Updated Thu, Dec 9 202111:27 AM EST – In CNBC

Luliia Bondar | Getty

These days, there’s no shortage of parenting styles. But after working with thousands of families for more than 20 years, I’ve found positive parenting to be one of the most effective — and my personal favorite.

Unlike authoritarian parenting, which places high expectations on children with little responsiveness, or uninvolved parenting, where there is little nurturance or guidance, positive parenting is an empathy-based approach that involves techniques such as encouragement and problem-solving — rather than shouting, hostility, shaming or leveraging rewards.

In fact, studies have found that when parents resort to constant yelling or nagging, they typically end up feeling frustrated, angry and then guilty afterward. The kids, in turn, may feel frustrated and angry, too, and continue to misbehave.

In the end, very little changes, and the cycle is likely to repeat.

What is positive parenting?

Parents who practice positive parenting don’t use harsh punishment to correct problematic behavior. Instead, they proactively fulfill their kids’ emotional needs through positive interactions, which can prevent a great deal of bad behavior from happening in the first place.

Key traits of positive parenting

Amy McCready | CNBC Make It

According to Caley Arzamarski, a proponent of positive parenting and psychologist specializing in child therapy, positive parenting essentially encourages parents to “catch kids being good” and give more positive feedback, instead of always focusing on bad behavior.

Some parents worry that positive parenting is too fluffy, arguing that children won’t learn to interpret and react to negative emotions if parents don’t help them to see it, which may not serve them well later in life.

However, psychologists have found that positive parenting can promote children’s confidence and provide them with the tools needed to make good choices. It also nurtures their self-esteem, creativity, belief in the future and ability to get along with others.

As parents, we will make mistakes and lose our cool. That presents an ideal opportunity to apologize to our kids and model how we can recover when we mess up.

Here are five ways to practice positive parenting:

1. Spend one-on-one time together

Spending regular quality time with your kids and modeling good behavior is by far the best thing you can do to help them develop self-confidence and healthy relationships.

Kids are hardwired to need positive attention and emotional connection. When they don’t receive it, they seek it out in negative ways, and parents are faced with power struggles, whining and meltdowns.

It only takes 10 to 15 minutes of individual time a day to see improvements. Delighting in moments of connection will also help you create a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

2. Set ‘when-then’ rules

Setting clear expectations is a core aspect of positive parenting. I recommend using the “when-then” method to encourage better behavior during the most challenging times of your child’s day.

Explain to your kid that when the yucky part of a dreaded task is done, then the more enjoyable things can happen. For example, they can use their iPad or play outside after their morning routine is complete — brushing their teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast — if there’s enough time before the bus arrives.

Stick to this practice, and your kids will quickly learn to move through the routine on their own. No nagging required.

3. Say no to rewards

Studies have found that kids who are rewarded often are likely to lose interest in the activity they’re being rewarded for, whether it’s music practice or playing nicely with a sibling. They become more interested in the rewards, meaning you may have to keep up the rewards to maintain the same quality of behavior.

Using encouragement is a better way to bring out the best in your kids. But avoid phrases that point to their character or personality, such as “You’re the best player on the team!” or “You’re so smart!”

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