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The Big Realization That Helped Me Become a Better Dad, According to 10 Men

Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition - Wednesday, September 28, 2022

The Big Realization That Helped Me Become a Better Dad, According to 10 Men

 

These "ah-ha moments" helped this group of dads become better parents.

by Matt Christensen in Fatherly.com

Updated: Jan. 4, 2022

Originally Published: July 9, 2021

 


Chances are every parent has had an “ah-ha” moment, a time when suddenly and often inexplicably, clarity takes over and a realization sets in that helps you reframe who you are as a parent and person in general. Maybe you realize that you were being too serious and not silly enough in your parenting. Maybe you realized that it’s much better — and simpler — to be honest with children about the long hours you work. For fathers, those moments can be as refreshing as they are eye-opening, reframing duties and elevating the concepts of compassion, understanding, presence, and making the most of every moment.

These moments of clarity are important. As important is sharing them so that fellow dads can learn the hard-won lessons sooner. That’s why we asked a group of dads to share the realization that made them a better father. They shared stories of ah-ha moments both small and large that happened at charity book fairs and in classrooms. Each contains a bit of wisdom that fathers young and old might learn a thing or two from.

I realized that I could be the silly dad and not just the serious dad

“When I had my first son, I stopped ‘playing’ in order to be ‘serious’ about being an adult and a father. I gave up a lot of the things I loved to do, like water sports and traveling. I quickly became disgruntled and resentful. My son didn’t deserve that. He never asked me to give up my passions. But my whole family was suffering under my contempt, and I’m ashamed to say just how downtrodden and lost I became. The happy ending came when I realized that I could be myself

and my son’s father at the same time. It sounds silly, but I thought I needed to choose one or the other. Really, my silliness and spirit were the levity my family needed most. Once I allowed myself these guilt-free rights, I held the responsibility of parenting closer to my heart. I returned to being the man I wanted to exemplify to my kids.” – Alex, 38, Utah

I realized I didn’t need to keep work and family separate

“I’ve always been a busy working professional, and I tried my best to make it work with my family. At one point, my son came to visit me at work, and I had a revelation that made me realize what kind of a dad I wanted to be. I always tried to keep work and family separate, but this was the time I realized that it didn’t have to be that way. When my son visited, he was very curious about my work and would constantly ask questions. At one point, I realized how happy I was that he was there and was so curious about what I did. From that point on, I always used work discussions as a way to bond with my children and build a better relationship. They also respect my work more because of that, so they understand to keep away when things get too serious. It’s a relationship I wish for every working dad!” –Akram Assaf, United Arab Emirates

I realized that I needed to be more involved as a dad

“My wake-up call to become a better father came through the passing of my own dad. I was constantly thinking I wish I’d been different, and spent more time appreciating him when he was alive. So I saw it as my chance to step up and become more involved in the lives of my children. We take the opportunity to get outdoors as often as possible. Fishing is my passion, and there have been trips when I feel the hairs on my arms stand up with the realization that I am pursuing the path of better parenthood. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most, like just expressing myself more often and being honest with my feelings. Hopefully, I’m teaching my children that life isn’t always smooth sailing and we all deal with failure in some aspect or another. In short, I want to use the passing of my father to benefit the life of my children, and I hope that my dad looks down on us with pride.” – Liam, 38, California

I realized I needed to be more present

“I’m the father of two kids, one boy, and one girl. I’ll never forget this certain moment of epiphany that has prompted me not only to become a better father but a better individual as well. My youngest daughter was having her fifth birthday party. After we blew out the candles, she asked me if she would have a birthday every year. I said she would, and she asked, ‘Does that mean I’ll grow up like you?’ I said yes, she would, and she replied with, ‘Then that means you’ll grow up some more and get old like grandpa and grandma? But, Daddy, I want to be with you longer!’ From that moment, I realized how much longer I want to be with my children too. That single instance has prompted me to be more present every time we’re together. It has prompted me to try and maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, and to become a kinder and better parent and individual every chance I get.” –Johnny, 46, California

I realized I needed to become an advocate for my child

“An individualized educational plan (IEP) meeting for my disabled daughter was how it was billed on paper. To this day, that meeting remains one of the most pivotal moments in my life as a parent. I had felt comfortable and competent as the parent of two children, the youngest autistic, the eldest not. Navigating the world with our daughter taught us to think differently about disability, acceptance, and community. ‘She does not qualify for special education,’ was all the administrator would say that day. Despite the years of assessments and psychological batteries, the letter from her pediatrician and mountains of medical records, and most painfully, despite uncovering that the school had altered my daughter’s test scores to purposefully keep her from the access she required, her predetermined position would not change. On that day I was forced to become an advocate. Because on that day, I was painted as a difficult parent. Both labels put me on a path that challenged everything I knew about myself, and forced me to re-examine parenting.” – Aaron Wright, 46, California

I realized I had to be a better example for my daughters

“I was at a charity book sale and saw an old copy of Dr. Spock on Parenting by Dr. Benjamin Spock on sale for one dollar. I thought for a dollar, I couldn’t go wrong. It was the best parenting dollar I ever spent. As I read it, I could see why Dr. Spock’s book Baby and Child Care was one of the bestselling books of the 20th century. Ask any baby-boomer if their parents read Dr. Spock. They all did. In one of his chapters on being a father, he wrote that if you want to be a good father you have to be a role model to and a leader of your children. The wisdom in that sentence hit me. I realized that I had to step forward and take the lead on dealing with situations involving my daughters. I had to be an example of the values I wanted my daughters to have. I had to be the kind of man I wanted my daughters to choose. It transformed me from being someone who was more of their mother’s helper to being their father.” – Elliot, 56, Toronto

I realized I needed to start re-considering my children’s viewpoints

“I have two teenagers, 15 and 17. For all of us, 2020 was a rough year all around. Not just because of COVID, but because of the general state of everything. We had a conversation about all the things affecting the world and, in turn, their lives. I learned that my kids have a

much different perspective about the world than I do. I have always led with a ‘my way or the highway’ philosophy, and being made aware of their perspectives made me realize I needed to take a step back and reassess. They were scared about how rapidly the world was changing. And, honestly, I was too. After that initial discussion, we had many others. We really learned to communicate and be open with each other. This was such an extraordinary time for me as a dad. I was able to put my viewpoints on the back burner and listen to what they had to say about the world. The issues that are important to them are much clearer now, and important to me as well.” – Steve, 48, Arizona

I realized I didn’t need to hide information about my work

“Sometimes bringing home extra work or putting in longer hours is unavoidable, especially when you’re the boss. One day I stopped to talk to my kids and tell them exactly why I had to work so often and for so long this particular week, and I realized that was the key to both lessening my guilt and helping them understand why I’d be gone more than usual. I started explaining to my kids why I’d have to bring work home or stay at the office longer, in simple terms they’d understand. I also made sure to always tell them it was just for a few days. Rather than try to hide it or ignore the fact that I was seeing them less, I gave them a reason why. They understand that when I have to work late it’s just temporary, and that’s made us all happier.” – Gabriel, North Carolina

I realized how fast the years were passing by

“I think I realized how fast time was going by the day my youngest son graduated elementary school. I began to see that time spent with my kids wasn’t something I could ever get back. I stopped worrying about work so much, and tried to be more present and focused on my family. I used to always hear, ‘The days are long but the years fly by.’ When I watched my son graduating, it hit me that in eight years he would be gone from home forever. It really changed my perspective, and I devoted that last decade to being present. Not just physically, but invested in every minute with my kids and my family.” – Hugh, 48, Oregon


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For many dads, the COVID pandemic brought new perspectives on fatherhood

Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition - Monday, September 26, 2022

For many dads, the COVID pandemic brought new perspectives on fatherhood

June 19, 20225:01 AM ET

SHAUNEEN MIRANDA



A father plays with his son at a park in Amritsar, India, on Father's Day in June 2016.

Narinder Nanu/AFP via Getty Images


With the shift to working from home giving dads the opportunity to spend more time with their children, the challenge of striking a balance between work and family over the last two years has given some of them new perspectives on fatherhood.

For Elgin Oliver, a dad of two who lives in Missouri, navigating fatherhood during the pandemic meant also working a full-time job and taking online courses.

"It was difficult, especially the school part, because just trying to have time to sit down and do my schoolwork and then still try to help out around the house with the kids ... so my time was really stretched thin," Oliver said.

Elgin Oliver with his daughter.

Elgin Oliver

"I've come to find out it's not exactly what you do, it's more of the time that you spend with them, and I've learned that our bond has grown and strengthened," he said.

Other dads reflected on the impact of their kids learning remotely during the pandemic.

"You basically have to shift your role from being dad, to your role being dad, teacher, caretaker, phys-ed instructor, nutritionist, because all meals are eaten at home. ... But also kind of finding that sense of balance on how beautiful it was that the family was together for just about all three meals every single day," said Lance Somerfeld, a father of two who lives in New York.


A Pew Research Center survey from February, which polled working parents with kids under the age of 12 at home, found that 43% of fathers and 58% of mothers noted difficulties in child care responsibilities resulting from the pandemic. A corresponding survey in October 2020 had similar results.

Working at home, there's no separation between home and office

The pandemic also forced many fathers to balance life and work while having no separation between their homes and their offices.

"With our kids being young — just 7, 4 and under 1 — they don't necessarily understand the concept of what work actually is if you're working from home versus previously, when I was on active-duty Air Force," said Austin Lieberman, a father of three living in Florida.



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How Many Dads Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Father's Day By The Numbers

The stress of working from home and managing more childcare responsibilities during the pandemic also led dads to look to each other for support.

Oliver started the podcast Call of Duty Black Dads with his friend in 2018 to shed light on their experiences as Black fathers. They continued to record episodes throughout the pandemic about their concerns as parents.

Groups for dads offer a way to connect

Others have looked to dad-focused groups within their areas to foster a sense of community and connection.

Somerfeld, who co-founded City Dads Group in New York City in 2008, said the organization has grown into a collective network of roughly 24,000 fathers in over 40 cities nationwide.

Sean Leacy, a dad of four and organizer for the Puget Sound Dads Group and Tacoma Dads Group, said: "With more and more dads coming into the home because of remote work, it's really given an opportunity for dads."

"Being able to be a part of these guys' groups and really getting a chance to connect with other guys has been huge," Leacy said.


READ MORE


About DFFC

The Delaware Fatherhood & Family Coalition is an extension of the Promoting Safe and Stable Families Program and the Responsible Fatherhood Initiative created specifically to give a voice to fathers and the importance of their involvement for the well-being of their children.


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