I talked to 70 parents who raised highly successful kids
—here’s the No. 1 parenting style they used

Published Sat, Jan 7 202310:09 AM ESTUpdated Sat, Jan 7 20235:47 PM EST

Margot Machol Bisnow, Contributor

Some parents believe in being strict, while others are lenient. Many wonder how to find the right balance.

For my book, “Raising an Entrepreneur,” I interviewed 70 parents who raised highly successful adults about how they helped their kids achieve their dreams.

It was an extremely diverse group — of different races, religions, income, family structure and education. But as I talked to each, I discovered a common theme: “respectful parenting.”

Respectful parenting, sometimes called “wise parenting,” involves setting standards and strict rules (e.g., only spending money you earn) while also being respectful of kids’ choices (e.g., letting them choose their own after school activities).

What is respectful parenting?

When I tell people about the benefits of respectful parenting, they find it surprising and counterintuitive.

Why would any parent let a young child make their own choices? It’s much easier to step in before your kid does something that sounds like a bad idea, like wearing a Halloween costume to school in January or taking apart a radio.

But respectful parents value individuality and don’t try to dictate what their kids are curious about or how they express themselves.

Unlike popular parenting styles such as “permissive,” which overindulges children to avoid conflict, or “authoritarian,” where communication is one-way with little consideration of a child’s emotional needs, respectful parenting is about seeing children as independent, rational beings.

In her book “Grit,” renowned psychologist Angela Duckworth agrees that this is the best way to raise kids.

″[Respectful parents] are accurate judges children’s psychological needs. They appreciate that children need love, limits and latitude to reach their full potential,” she writes. “Their authority is based on knowledge and wisdom, rather than power.”

The 3 pillars of respectful parenting

1. Structure

• Let kids make their own choices, as long as expectations are met.
• Guide them through how things can be done better.
• Expect them to do things, even when it’s hard.

Thomas Vu grew up with strict rules and lots of structure, but his parents gave him complete freedom to pursue his goals.

“I was expected to get straight A’s. It wasn’t easy, but as long as I did, my mom let me play all the video games I wanted. In my book, that was a fair trade,” he told me.

Vu was one quarter from graduating from college with a degree in bioengineering when he got an opportunity to intern at Electronic Arts, a leading video game maker.

His parents weren’t thrilled, but they let him drop out and pursue his dream of creating video games. He later became the lead producer at Riot Games for League of Legends, which today has 180 million players.

2. Supportive

• Give kids the right to their own point of view.
• Respect their privacy.
• Don’t make constant corrections in their actions or speech.

D.A. Wallach is a successful tech investor. One of his early investments was Spotify, where he was Artist-in-Residence.

When Wallach was eight years old, he became interested in investing, so his mom gave him some money and opened an account for him. He spent hours researching companies. His mom gave her opinions, but he got to decide where to invest.

Wallach lost most of the money within six years, but his mom told him that losing was part of the learning process.

Not everyone can afford to give their kid money to learn about investing. But Wallach’s mom nurtured his talents in other ways that didn’t cost money: analyzing, discussing and debating choices with him, treating him like a grown-up, and not agonizing over failure.

3. Warm

• Let kids know they can turn to you for help.
• Spend quality time with them.
• Engage in compassionate activities together.

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How fatherhood has evolved and what
it means to be a dad in 2023

Meredith Nierman By Jesse Steinmetz, June 16, 2023

Indifferent. Working. Absent. Stereotypes of fathers as disengaged and unloving are common, and generally underscored with longstanding cultural images of dads as incompetent in the role as parent.

But a cultural shift in how modern-day fathers interact with their kids is changing the image and role of fatherhood.

"What we're seeing today is that these dads are saying, 'You know, I'm not perfect, but I'm giving myself another shot to be great and I'm going to continue do my job as a father,'" Dr. Charles Daniels Jr. told Under the Radar. "Grace, I would say, is what's required for fathers to be great parents."

"Women still, of course, carry the brunt of the time for childcare and home chores," says Dr. Harvey Karp, CEO of Happiest Baby. Still, he says modern day fatherhood means "more and more we're seeing fathers wanting to be engaged, having the empathic capabilities of being engaged, and we see them increasing, really over the last 50 years, doubling or tripling the amount of time they spend in childcare and in household chores."

Alberto Malacarne is the father of a 2-year-old and is expecting a second child in August. He told Under the Radar responsibilities are shared in his family's household: "I think me and my wife would be really 50/50 in everything, you know, 50/50 in providing both financially in the sense that, you know, we both have a good and stable job and both 50/50 providing care for our child."

Research shows younger dads are more involved in their children's lives than ever before. Dr. Raymond Levy, director of The Fatherhood Project, believes this a trend that will only continue to grow.

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Limiting teens’ social media feels impossible.
But we have to try.

By Amy Joyce for Washington Post

May 25, 2023, at 11:43 a.m. EDT

Recently, my husband and I had a talk with our teen boys about phones. There was too much mindless scrolling going on, and we had an idea. What if, we said, you plug your phones in downstairs, in the basement? And when you need them, you go downstairs, do what you need to do, come back. That includes texting, snapping friends, checking box scores.

The basement plan was intended to create a physical space between boy and phone, with us hoping the small barrier would be enough to deter them from constantly checking.

It lasted all of a couple days.

This week, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued an advisory that confirms what most of us teen parents have long known: Social media is hurting our kids. They are losing sleep, pulling away from real life, spending way too much time staring at a phone instead of doing ... anything else. They are drawn to content that is making them anxious, depressed and unwell, and they can’t stop. Murthy called for technology companies to put better protections in place, to help us parents deal with this.

But pulling our kids away from social media is much easier said than done. According to Pew Research, 95 percent of teens between 13 and 17 have access to smartphones; Common Sense Media found that 84 percent of teens use social media. Among many parents, there’s a strong sense that the genie is already out of the bottle — this stuff is everywhere, and even without a phone, our kids would still find ways to access the platforms we want to keep them away from. When I mentioned our abandoned basement plan to a friend, she said to me, “Wow, you’re still actually trying to rein it in? I just figured at this age we give up.”

But I have learned over the years that if my husband and I feel our kids are on their screens too much, they’re probably feeling it too: That same Common Sense Media report also indicated that only 34 percent of teens who use social media say they enjoy it “a lot.” Not all social media is bad — it can be a way for tweens and teens to connect to other like-minded peers, to keep in touch with far-flung friends, to communicate beliefs and feed new interests. But as most of us have experienced, once our kids are sucked in, it’s enormously difficult to pull them back. However, it’s not impossible, and as evidenced by Murtha’s report and dire warning, the stakes are so high that parents have to try.

What teens think parents should know about phones

And so for those of us who have allowed our kids to have a phone and social media (most of us), how do we walk it back now? What do we wish we had known, as Melinda French Gates once said in an article here, “before putting a computer in my children’s pockets”? It might take stronger boundaries at home, it might take recruiting other parents to join in the battle and it will definitely take more effort on the part of tech companies. But to be sure: The struggle between letting our kids have a phone and begging them to put it down is real.

For many parents, it’s the idea that their children are the only ones who don’t have a phone or aren’t on a certain social media site that pushes them to allow it in the first place. Abigail Cannon of Bend, Ore., finally allowed her son, 14, to have Snapchat around January because the rest of his hockey team was using it. “I’m already regretting it,” she said. “It hit that perfect parental piano key where I thought ‘Oh, he’s being left out.”

But now he’s using it to watch “totally unfiltered content that just consumes all of his interest and focus... So all the healthy limits we had worked so hard to have, it’s just more slippery than anything else we’ve ever dealt with," Cannon said. “I can’t even figure out how to use screentime limits for Snap. Truly, it’s run by aliens.”

The Cannon family rules? Constant checks to make sure screen limits are in place. No phones at meals. No phones in rooms at night. (She is, after all, a pediatric sleep coach.) And yes, they are rethinking Snapchat. Cannon is considering talking to the parents of her son’s teammates. “Can we recruit the group of friends who matter to him most to stop? It has to be a community effort rather than individual.”

As a parent, she’s tired of all the vigilance, and she thinks a lot about how absorbing the app is. “I really wonder if it’s just a profound distraction that might be [keeping him from something] that could be interesting to him.”

The fact is, say experts and parents alike, when teens are given boundaries around phones, they feel relief. “If kids really sat there and took stock of how they feel when they’re on their devices, they would notice a drop in feeling good about themselves,” says Jennifer Kelman, a mental health expert with Just Answer, and clinical social worker specializing in children’s mental health. “We all think our kids don’t want discipline and boundaries, but they do. ... If we just let them have free rein, they feel out of control.”

Worried about your kids’ screen time? Check your own first.

Schenley Walker says she was the “last parent standing” in San Francisco, as her kids didn’t get phones until their first year of high school. “The idea that we’re running this giant experiment on kids has always resonated with me,” she says. “We’ve dramatically changed how people interact in a short period of time.”

She delayed as long as possible, in part by sending her kids to summer camp without devices. “The break they have in the summer is key, because that’s taught them from age 10: Look at this rich life I can have when I ... can engage in the world instead of a screen.”

Handing a phone to her children at older ages has helped them regulate their usage, she believes. Her son, a 20-year-old college student, has a phone but seems uninterested in social media. Her daughter, finishing her junior year of high school, participates in social media, but it hasn’t taken over her life, and there are no restrictions from her parents. “She’s 17. At this point, she needs to figure out on her own what works for her with minimal guidance,” Walker said. “What I do like is she has a set of friends who like to be together when they’re in person.”

The report released this week points to two major issues: Content and problematic screen use, says Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers.”

“It’s critically important that we talk to kids about what they’re exposed to through digital technology — and these should be ongoing conversations,” she said. “There are benign digital spaces, and there are incredibly dangerous digital spaces, such as those that promote eating disorder behavior, misogyny, racism and self-harm.”

And we need to have open conversations with our children about the time spent on screens, she said. “Technology should not interfere with sleep, physical activity, in-person time, contributing around the house and in one’s community.”

So how do we parents have these conversations in productive ways? Read the report, she says. Then print it out and talk about it with your teen. If they argue against new boundaries, explain that new information is coming to light “and in all things, we work with the most recent information.”

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4 Rules For Raising Open-Minded Kids
Who Listen To Others

Listening is more than just paying attention. It’s about
 understanding the story being told.

by Matthew Utley for Fatherly Updated: May 2, 2023, Originally Published: June 5, 2020

It can be hard to truly listen to other’s perspectives, particularly if they are far removed from one’s own experience or if they document pain that has been ignored for generations. But so many of society’s inequalities result from a failure to listen and empathize with other perspectives. This is an oversimplification, of course, but when people listen — really listen — and empathize, things can improve.

That makes it all the more important to teach children how to listen and empathize. Today’s children will still be sorting through issues of justice when they enter adulthood, and the way a child is raised helps determine the kind of adult they become. So what can parents do to help raise kids who listen with empathy and emotional intelligence and can change their minds? It requires an ongoing conversation at every age.

Infancy: Be There For Your Baby

The seeds of empathy are planted during infancy, when neurological development is very sensitive to parental behavior. In fact, so many systems are developing in babies that even something as simple as changing a diaper reinforces socialization.

“A basic concept here is ‘neurons that fire together, wire together’ — so when there is a diaper change, for example, all sorts of things happen: eye gazing, soothing speech, and relief of displeasure of a mushy diaper,” says Brit Creelman, a clinical psychologist at Allendale Association’s outpatient therapy clinic in Chicago.

Creelman adds that these social interactions happen in the context of needs being met, and regulation being supported, “with all this coming together in such a way that neurologically the brain starts to develop and become hard wired for well-regulated social interaction — the foundation building blocks for empathy.”

Early Childhood: Lead By Example, Focus On Empathy

Children in early childhood tend toward an egocentric moral position; they only understand the world from their own perspective, and they form their moral positions based on what their family rewards as good behavior. This isn’t an indication of a bad kid — it’s simply how kids figure out the world. But it also presents parents with an excellent opportunity to nurture empathetic behaviors by modeling them.

“The best way to raise empathetic kids is to do so by example,” says Lea Lis, an adult and child psychiatrist and author of No Shame: Real Talk With Your Kids About Sex, Self-Confidence, and Healthy Relationships. Express emotions, talk about feeling sad, discuss making mistakes, listen intently to your kids and others, and your children will learn from watching you. Modeling is paramount.

“Children often understand their emotional reality only in the context of others,” says Lis. “They also understand if they will get into trouble, but have not really internalized why they must behave.” Parents, therefore, must model and explain why it is important to do the right thing, even if they won’t get into trouble.

Certain tools can help young children better understand empathy and the world in general, such as reading fiction and discussing the feelings characters might have experienced during a particular moment. Feelings charts can help increase emotional vocabulary. Lis recommends social stories, which are narrative templates that allow children to run through various social situations and understand how to navigate them. Social stories often offer perspectives, discuss the feelings and opinions of multiple characters. “They help children grasp social norms, routines, and expectations, like walking down the hall, using restroom facilities, following lunch procedures, using manners, using greetings, asking for help properly,” she says.

Grade Schoolers: Model Behavior, Validate Feelings

As children grow older and enter grade school, the social circle that influences their ideas of morality can expand. And although that can create problems, parents still wield an incredible amount of influence. Even older kids who are internalizing their ideas of right and wrong still watch parental cues. Moms and dads must therefore reinforce those cues by asking questions and genuinely listening to their children. Parents should make sure that listening includes allowing their children to feel their feelings, even if that’s unpleasant. Validating feelings is crucial, as brushing them off teaches kids to ignore and internalize them.

“When a child is afraid, for example, it is probably more helpful to say things like ‘I see you are scared, tell me about it’ rather than glossing it over with comments like ‘Don’t worry, you don’t have anything to be afraid of,’” says Creelman. “When a parent acknowledges and names feelings, this helps a child feel understood. Feeling this from others helps build the ability to do this when interacting with others later on, which is a foundational component of empathy.”

Adolescence: Get Your Kids Involved

Adolescence is often when kids start to address more complicated moral ideas, such as the concept of the ‘white lie.’ Once they are able to consider another person’s perspective, lying to preserve their feelings becomes a legitimate moral question.

This is not the time to shelter kids. It’s a time for them to read more, to get involved, to learn from experience. This can include volunteering at a soup kitchen, going to a rally for the underprivileged, raising money for a disadvantaged group, or tutoring low-income children for free.

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10 Signs of a Healthy, Effective Co-Parenting Relationship

By Jennifer Wolf 

Updated on November 02, 2022

 Fact checked by Andrea Rice for Verywell Family

It takes a lot of work for two parents to get to the point where they can say their co-parenting relationship is going really well. For most families, there is still room for improvement. Rather than focusing on what's not working, though, identify what is going well so that you can accentuate the positive as work toward resolving conflicts with your ex.

The following signs are evidence indicators of a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship.¹ As you read them, consider what already works for you, as well as those areas you hope to improve.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Healthy co-parenting involves two parents who are not together raising their child (or children) jointly to ensure they have a safe and loving environment to grow up in. To work, co-parenting requires that both parents not only contribute in their child's care, upbringing, and activities, but that they also interact frequently and respectfully with one another. The best co-parenting relationships involve the parents putting their personal feelings aside in favor of giving their child what they need emotionally and physically.

Have Clear Boundaries

7 Ways to Be a More Patient Parent, According to a Patience Expert

Patience is a skill. And like any other skill, it can be nurtured and grown.
These seven exercises can help.

by Ashley Abramson

Updated: Dec. 20, 2022

Originally Published: March 11, 2022 in Fatherly

Parenthood, in many ways, is a long exercise in patience. From the moment you find out you’re expecting, you’re tasked with waiting patiently — and that task might start to feel more demanding as your baby turns into a kid. Sleep training, potty training, and even just getting your kid ready and out the door for preschool all require the ability to stay calm and collected in frustrating moments. Clearly it’s not easy.

“A lot of people think ‘I’m just not patient, and that’s the way it is,’” says Sarah A. Schnitker, Ph.D, a psychology professor at Baylor University who studies patience. But that’s not exactly the case. Patience is a skill that can be acquired — and one that is extremely useful for parents and everyone else. “You can accomplish your goal faster because you’re able to stay regulated, which allows you to exert more effort,” Schnitker says. “If you’re patient while potty training, you can stay calm when your kid has another accident, and not give up.”

Here are a few simple-but-effective ways to improve your patience in the moment and over time, according to experts.

1. Practice Cognitive Reappraisal

Impatience is often driven by negative or catastrophizing thoughts. You may feel like your toddler is trying to mess up your morning, or that it’s the end of the world when you’re running late or someone cuts you off in traffic. Schnitker says cognitive reappraisal, the practice of realigning your thoughts with reality, can help take the edge off when you’re feeling impatient.

One way to do that: Try to take on a different perspective than your own when you feel that hot emotion. For example, if you’re feeling impatient about your toddler’s constant whining, think about how they might feel when they can’t have what they want (and without the luxury of logical thinking). You can also think about the grand scheme compared to your frustrating moment. Losing five minutes of time right now might be stressful and annoying, but in the big picture, it’s probably not that big of a deal.

2. Regularly Reflect on Hard Moments

It’s not always easy (or even possible) to regain patience in difficult moments, and every parent loses their cool from time to time. To help yourself learn from those mistakes, Schnitker says it’s important to take time to reflect on them. After your kids are in bed, ask yourself how the day went. What was the hardest part of the day, what were you feeling in that moment, and how do you wish you handled it differently? “That way, you get to practice a different way of thinking and decide how to handle things differently in the future,” she says.

3. Use Implementation Intentions

Once you take some time to think about how you want to respond when situations test your patience, it can help to make a plan. Schnitker recommends using “if/when” statements: For example, you could decide, “If my kid has a tantrum when it’s time for bed, I’ll give them this much time to calm down.”

“Planning out ahead what you’ll do in those situations that most frustrate you can help, because you don’t have to figure it out when you’re already frustrated,” she says.

4. Identify Your Triggers

Uncontrollable outside scenarios might play a role in loss of patience, but losing your cool involves internal triggers. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, PhD, a California-based psychotherapist, suggests making a list of common scenarios that make you more irritable so you can make a plan to cope before the moment you usually lose your patience.

For example, maybe you tend to get more irritable and impatient when you’re hungry. On the days you have to bring the kids to daycare, make sure to eat breakfast or bring a snack in the car. Or maybe you find yourself struggling more with patience when you’re short on sleep. If you can’t sneak in a nap, ask your partner to take over for the morning so you don’t end up snapping at your family.

“Just identifying that something is a triggering situation for you can help you find the coping skills you need to navigate it with a little more ease and grace,” Peck says.

5. Think with Your Purpose

It’s easier to get frustrated when you lose sight of the big picture. When you’re struggling to be patient with your kids especially, Schnitker suggests zooming out and asking yourself some important questions. For example: Who do you hope your kids become? What values do you want to instill in them? What kind of memories do you want them to have of you later on in life? “Connecting with the bigger purpose of parenting, something you’re working toward besides getting your kids teeth brushed and pajamas on at night, can make it easier to deal with daily frustrations,” she says.

You can reflect on your purpose as a parent in the moment or after the fact by processing with your partner or journaling. The important thing is to give yourself a chance to remember your goals as a parent — and how patience can contribute to your bigger purpose of instilling your principles in your kids.

6. Integrate Mindfulness into Your Routine

At its core, impatience means you have a hard time tolerating tough situations. Mindfulness meditation, which teaches you how to exist in the present moment without judgment or evaluation, can help you improve your patience over time.

“A lot of people think mindfulness is about relaxation, and while that might be a byproduct, it’s more about seeing what’s happening and not moving immediately into action,” says Peck. “It helps lengthen the amount of time and space between the activating event and your response.”

Try downloading a meditation app like Headspace or Insight Timer and carving out a few minutes every day to meditate. During meditations, notice what you feel when you’re trying to meditate — maybe you’re wishing the meditation was over or stressed about what’s next — and then bring yourself back to the moment. Over time, your ability to persevere in patience-requiring situations will grow. “You can look at a situation, be curious about what will unfold, and choose how you’d like to respond,” Peck says.

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How To Truly Share The Mental Load In A Marriage, According To Five Therapists 

 Here’s how you and your partner can balance out the everyday burdens. 

by Jeremy Brown

Updated: Dec. 22, 2022

Originally Published: July 16, 2021, in Fatherly

The mental load of parenting can weigh anyone down. That’s why, whenever possible married couples must ask themselves: Am I doing enough? Is my partner taking on too much? What can I help with to share the mental load? Because when one partner takes on too much, it’s easy to buckle under the weight.

What is mental load? Well, it’s a blanket term for the invisible work that parents must take on — the planning, organizing, remembering, and worrying that tasks require — much of which is usually shouldered by mothers. Let’s use a playdate as an example. The mental load of a playdate is all the little things that add up to a successful outing. The scheduling. The coordinating. The initial conversations with other parents. The buying of snacks. The planning of activities. The consideration of all details. All of these and more add up to the mental load of the little things a parent must remember.

There is a mental load for seemingly every task, from paying bills and buying groceries to putting away clothes and bringing the kids to tee ball practice. It’s a lot of work, but work that co-parents can better handle when they A) have regular conversations about who’s doing what B) play active roles (i.e. don’t ask “what can I do to help?” and just, well, help and C) keep the unseen work in mind and always seek ways to lift the burden.

“Sharing responsibilities with another person can either be strenuous or rewarding,” says Erica Cramer, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. “In most circumstances, two heads work better than one and sharing the mental load with your spouse can lead to optimal results.”

It really is as simple and as difficult as that. If you properly distribute the mental load of parenting in your marriage, Cramer adds, life can be easier, decisions can be better and people can feel more empowered. But if couples are not properly dividing the load, she says, they “can develop tension, resentment, and ruptures.”

So how can you help balance the mental load of parenting? What are some tactics to understand? We spoke to five therapists about balancing the mental load and keeping division equitable. Here’s what they said.

1. Understand What Sharing the Mental Load Means

“Sharing the mental load is not as simple as asking someone to take out the trash. The whole point of offloading this work is to not then be responsible for telling the other person to do it. I remember once having a fight with my own partner where I shared that I felt overly responsible for keeping our household moving. When he told me he was happy to help, I just needed to tell him what to do. I was once again put in a position of responsibility.

What I had really wanted was for him to take on the responsibility not only of the actual tasks but of the thinking and knowing about the task so that I could completely offload it from my mind. The conversation is ongoing, fluid, and dynamic. It is not a ‘one and done’ conversation. As your life grows and changes, most likely your mental loads will as well. This conversation requires couples to be open to their partner’s experience and understand what it would really require to take on a portion of their partner’s mental load. I’d encourage partners to approach this conversation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. It is easy to feel hurt when we are told that we aren’t doing enough, but defensiveness will immediately shut down the conversation.” — Jessica Small, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

2. Play to Each Other’s Strengths

“When one partner has a more rational, intellectual perspective and the other a more intuitive, emotional approach, the two can work together as a lovely, full-bodied partnership. Look at it this way: Each partner has their superpower, which they bring to the equation. Acknowledging and using each skill set to its fullest advantage will help each partner feel seen and valued.

It helps significantly if the two partners take a page from each other’s book. The typically more rational partner can do some work around increasing their understanding of their own emotions so they can more readily express themselves and understand their underlying motivations and reactions. This will also increase their capacity to empathize with their partner. The typically more emotional partner can practice emotional management in the form of mindfulness. The ability to self-regulate will help them communicate in a way their rational partner can receive.” — Zoe Kors, LA-based sex therapist and resident sex and intimacy coach for sexual wellness app Coral.

3. Take a Business-Minded Approach

“Download an app designed for creating lists, such as ‘Microsoft To Do.’ This type of app allows each partner to have a place to put their thoughts as they arise, and it automatically shares it with the other partner. It’s much more effective than sending a text that only gets lost.

And invite your partner to a regular ongoing weekly ‘team meeting’ and hold space on both parties’ calendars. This is a little different than the sit-down and think with me, however, it might end up looking the same. In this weekly meeting, go over what is going to happen this week, this month. and this season. Set some goals about what you’d both like to experience and then put them in the To Do app, so when it’s finished you can mark it off and the app notifies the other person it’s completed.” — Andrea Dindinger, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

4. Maintain a Flexible Mindset

“Life constantly fluctuates. Responsibilities won’t always fall as equally on our shoulders as we would like. Be flexible and know when to bend and when to communicate before you break. There will be times in life when you or your partner is overwhelmed with personal or professional issues. Other times, you’ll find yourself having more time and flexibility and should be mindful of this and offer to pick up each other’s slack.

For example, if you are a teacher who has summers off and your partner’s busiest time in the career is the summer, if your partner’s parents are healthy and live independently but you’re taking care of a sick parent, or if your child needs more attention from a specific parent – it’s important to wane and wax with each other so your individual needs are met and the relationship doesn’t suffer.

In situations like these, be willing to step in and shoulder most of the mental load for that day, week or even month. Hopefully, your partner will do the same when you need their help and support. If your partner is not as attuned to your needs, be honest about the extra support you require. See how they respond and if they are willing to step up to the plate when necessary. Let them know you appreciate their flexibility and your recognition should go a long way.” — Erica Cramer, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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25 Pieces of Marriage Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together 25+ Years

What keeps a relationship going for the long haul? Here are the honest answers from those who've been married for a quarter-century or more.

By Matt Christensen 

Apr 26 2022, 1:49 PM from Fatherly

Marriage advice is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn’t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as “Say sorry even if you don’t mean it” or “Don’t go to bed angry”? These phrases tend to leak out of people’s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely helpful. True, lived-in advice for a long, happy marriage isn’t so tidy because neither are relationships.

So, what is some honest, real advice from couples who’ve been through the long haul? We recently asked 25 people who have been married for 25 plus years about what makes their relationship work. Cliches didn’t enter the equation. Instead, their answers reflected a simple truth: long-term relationships are both easy and hard, but made better by honesty, fun, and a shared sense of unity. They urged communication and clarity. They underscored the importance of shared meals and spicing things up with dirty jokes. They emphasized appreciation and attention to detail. Here’s what they said, and why it’s helped them stay together for the long run.

1. Accept and allow

“This is a mantra I picked up early on in our marriage, and it’s one my husband and I have come to live by. I forget where I heard it, but it’s basically a nice way of saying, ‘You knew who your partner was when you got married, and you can’t change them.’ There were many things I wished I could change about my husband after we’d been married for a little while. But I realized I loved him, and it was a waste of time to dwell on them. I needed to accept him for who he was, and allow him to be himself. That doesn’t mean we can’t get upset, or voice concerns. It just means that we’re committed unconditionally to the person we married, even when they drive us crazy.” – Lynne, 62, Florida (married 31 years)

2. Imagine life without your partner

“My wife and I talk about this all the time. We imagine what our toughest days would be like without each other. Truthfully, we always agree that we’d make it through. Realistically, we’re each independent and strong enough that we’d be fine. But, it would be terrible. That’s the takeaway: life would be possible without each other, but it wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun, special, or full of great moments. It’s not uncommon for us to ask each other, ‘Can you imagine if I wasn’t here?’ The answer is usually some variation of, ‘Yeah. It would suck. I’m glad you are.’” – Jerry, 56, Maryland (married 30 years)

3. Crack jokes

“We got married when we were both almost 40, and our sense of humor has gotten more juvenile every year. Maybe it’s just us, but I don’t think so. We laugh at rude noises. We roll our eyes at each other’s terrible jokes. We love raunchy movies. It’s just that primitive, human sense of humor we both have. So many couples seem to lose that the longer they stay married. There’s this weird pressure to become more civilized or dignified as you get older. We never got that memo, it seems. And when it’s just the two of us, we’re usually cracking up. We’ve stayed in love so long because we’re too busy laughing to be fighting.” – David, 68, Michigan (married 30 years)

4. Choose your own adventure

“My marriage has never been easy but it’s always been an adventure. Best advice I can give – getting married is like going to a theme park. Know who you are and what ride you want to go on. If you want to go on the carousel (stability and serenity) marry that. If you want to go on the roller coaster (risk and adventure) don’t marry someone who’s afraid of speed and heights. The key is to know yourself and what you want before you pledge yourself to a partnership. Then, once you’ve found your match, run your marriage like a good company. Identify each person’s strengths and weaknesses, and delegate those responsibilities accordingly..” – Kathleen, 57, Nebraska (married 31 years)

5. Don’t be so damn stubborn

“Don’t insist on always having the last word. It’s never not worth it. What you think is a fundamental, bedrock principle might actually be just a personal preference not worth having a spat or holding a grudge about. Be open to that possibility. Even if you get your way, it will take a toll. And if you agree to something, abide by the mutual decision. The loss of trust is also not worth getting your way. We’ve learned to be responsible for and take ownership of our decisions and actions, and we always try to avoid criticizing or guilting. It never helps. Instead, we try to have constructive conversations about specific behaviors that might be troubling, and we’re each willing to listen to each other’s concerns – even if they seem trivial.” – Claude, 68 (married 33 years)

6. Do the work

“Everyone has heard the phrase, ‘opposites attract’, but you don’t really hear the phrase, ‘opposites keep people together.’ They can, though, if you learn how to navigate them. Opposites can create a great deal of conflict over time if you don’t learn how to accept them. It can be a difficult process, but it’s necessary to stay happily married long term. Good marriages don’t just happen. They require a great deal of work and intention. The English language has one word for love. I love my wife and I love spicy food. There is no comparison. Since the term ‘I love you’ is so confusing and vague it makes sense to define what that means to both of you, even if you’re total opposites.” – Monte, 64, Florida (married 40 years)

7. Bite your tongue

“My rule is: bite your tongue for at least 24-48 hours after before speaking when tensions are high. If you are overly emotional and/or upset about something, doing so gives you time to cool off and then reflect on the situation with greater space, perspective, calmness, and clarity. If you still want to talk about it, schedule a mutually agreed upon time to do so. Say something like, ‘I am upset about what you just said/did, but I want to think about it before we talk.’ Mentally, you’ll be in a much better place.” – Romy, 52, California (married 26 years) 

8. You won’t always be on the same page

“And that’s okay. Patience and communication are key to any successful relationship, but especially a long-term one. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree about everything. There will be times when you need to listen more than you talk, and times when you need to communicate openly and honestly. You can do this by making time for each other, even when life gets busy. Whether it’s taking a walk after dinner or spending a weekend away together, do everything you can to keep the bond strong.” – Steve, 49, Arizona (married 26 years) 

9. Keep each other guessing 

“My husband is a quiet man. Me? Not so much. I was surprised when he told me how much he loves the fact that he never knows what I’m going to do from one minute to the next. And I appreciate his willingness to try different things. As our unofficial ‘social secretary,’ I’ve planned trips where he hasn’t really known where we’re going until we get on the plane. Our secret really is just keeping our life interesting. Otherwise, life becomes stale and boring. Do something unexpected from time to time and you’ll learn how much you cherish each other’s company.” – Carol, 72, Georgia (married 49 years)

10. Ask for space when you need it

“I think many couples are afraid to say, ‘Hey, I need some time alone, away from you.’ They worry that their partner will take it personally, and so they avoid the conversation completely. Early in our courtship, we were very clear with each other about the fact that we wouldn’t survive marriage if we couldn’t each have our own space. So, we’re not shy with each other when we need a breather. Sometimes it’s just a few hours with a good book. Other times, one of us wants to get a coffee and run errands on a Saturday. The key is being respectful about the request, considering any commitments you might have, and using that time to recharge yourself for the betterment of the relationship.” – Curt, 64, South Carolina (married for 36 years)

11. Learn each other’s love language

“Any act of love done with the best intentions is good, but knowing how your partner prefers to receive those gestures can make them much more special. My wife’s two love languages are quality time and acts of service. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve learned how happy it makes her when I help out around the house. Simple things, like unloading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry, make her so happy. And because I pitch in, and we work as a team, we’re able to spend more quality time together. You can take the tests and stuff to figure out what each other’s love language is. That’s easy. The more fun part is finding out how you can try to speak to your partner using them every day.” – Gene, 54, Massachusetts (married 28 years) 

12. Always kiss goodnight

“In all of our years of marriage, I think there have been maybe a dozen times my husband and I haven’t kissed each other goodnight. Even when we’ve had terrible, terrible arguments, we always kiss each other on the cheek, or the forehead, just as a way to remind each other that we’ll get through this. When you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re so angry, it can be hard to say, ‘I love you.’ Sometimes, you just don’t have the voice. But a quick kiss can say a lot, and for us it has.” – Renee, 60, Texas (married 31 years)

13. Be patient with your spouse — and yourself

“You need to be flexible in a marriage. You need to understand that, if you and your partner truly love each other, you’re not deliberately trying to make things difficult. But, inevitably, there will come times when you just can’t agree. In those times, you need to remember that you both are only human. We used to get upset with each other, and then beat ourselves up pretty badly because we’d think, ‘I should be better at this…” And our marriage suffered. It wasn’t until we were able to extend grace to ourselves and each other, and remind ourselves that we are both still learning how to be better every day that we really grew as a couple.” – Ray, 47, New York (married 25 years)  

14. Never assume

“If your partner is upset with you, don’t assume you know why. If he’s quiet or down, don’t assume you know why. If you’re upset, don’t assume he knows why. You have to remember that, no matter how connected you both may be, you’re not mind-readers. You need to communicate as clearly as possible, and as frequently as possible. Give each other permission to say you’d rather wait to talk about things, but always let your partner know that you don’t want to assume you know what’s going on.” – Christine, 51, Connecticut (married 26 years)

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8 Big Signs Your Marriage Isn’t in Trouble

There's always work to be done. Taking a moment to realize how good you're doing is important.

By Jeremy Brown  Dec 13 2021, 12:54 PM

It’s easy to get caught up on the wrong side of self-improvement, isn’t it? To focus on your weaknesses rather than your strengths. This can be especially true of relationships. You know what you and your partner need to work on (because you talk about it, right?) but it’s easy to get so bogged down in the whole being-better-than-yesterday thing that you lose sight of — or don’t take the time to appreciate — the areas where you succeed. It’s a natural impulse (we humans are, after all, wired to focus more on the negative) but one to actively fight. Because in focusing on what works — whether that’s discussing each other’s points of view openly, making time for fun in your relationship, or being able to enjoy a quiet silence together — we’re able to live in the moment and enjoy the small victories. That’s a big win. So, in the effort of helping you focus on just that, here are some eight signs your relationship is doing alright. 

1. You Know You’re a Work in Progress (And You’re Willing to Do the Work) 

It’s easy to look at other couples and think Why aren’t we more like them? or to list out all the ways your relationship could be better. While comparison is the thief of joy, it’s good to have goals and keep in mind some points of improvement so forward progress can be made. Healthy couples understand that they haven’t reached perfection, and that they probably never will. They do, however, have a vision of where they want their relationship to go and are committed to doing what it takes to get there. “They understand the power of yet,” says Kathryn Ford, MD, a practicing psychotherapist and couples therapist. “As in, ‘We’re not good at offering positive comments — yet!’ The most important attribute of a good relationship is the ability to learn.” 

2. You Take Risks (And You Encourage Your Spouse to As Well) 

Trying new things, and supporting your partner when they are inspired to, say, take a new class, learn a new skill, or embark on a unique adventure, helps keep the marriage fresh. Importantly, it also provides opportunities for you to learn and grow, both independently and together. Healthy couples know to prioritize risk and to stretch beyond their comfort zone. “This means that you will fumble and make mistakes,” Ford says. “In a good relationship, you encourage each other to do this – rewarding the effort even when the results aren’t yet what you hope for.”

3. You Have Different Points of View (And You’re Open to Them) 

Healthy couples own and explore each other’s respective points of view. When you want different things, you don’t spend the discussion trying to get your way or digging in your heels on the opposite side just to spite your partner. Instead, you hear what they have to say, take it into consideration, and vice versa. Then, you compromise or relent based on whatever factors are involved. Will it be easy? No. But it’s a balance. “Treat all ideas offered as valuable,” says Ford, “and then both of you play with all points of view instead of owning one and getting into a tug of war about who’s right.”

4. You Don’t Always Talk When You’re Alone (And That’s Okay) 

Comfortable silences speak volumes. Healthy couples understand that not every moment alone together requires that the two of you have some deep and meaningful discussion. Sometimes just being together is enough. “No, you aren’t required by some command of the universe to get absolutely everything off of your chest the moment you feel it,” says Lee Wilson, a relationship coach with 20 years of experience. “That doesn’t mean that you keep everything bottled up or that you don’t have disagreements. It means that sometimes it’s a great thing after a busy day to be able to say nothing while simply resting with the one you love.”

5. You Don’t Tell Your Spouse Everything (Because It’s Unnecessary) 

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be honest with your spouse. You very much should. What healthy couples understand is that they don’t need to do is voice every concern, every flaw, and every negative trait that you see in your partner. “Your job as a spouse is not to make your spouse a better person. Your job is to love your spouse,” says Wilson. “People often become better versions of themselves when they feel loved and feeling that their spouse is overly critical often has the exact opposite impact.”

6. The Fireworks Have Dimmed (But You Have Something Better) 

The early days of any relationship are filled with incredible highs and almost magical feelings of bliss. This is a result of something known as “limerence,” a dopamine-fueled state that causes intense feelings of infatuation for another person. Limerence can be wonderful, but it always subsides and the couples that last are the ones who are still happy with what remains: commitment, companionship, and connection. “That doesn’t mean that there won’t still be occasional fireworks and highs — especially when you do new things together,” Wilson says. “But the highs of the early days of your relationship will fade and it’s not realistic to expect them to be permanent.”

7. You Apologize When Necessary (And Work Hard on Your Apologies) 

Things happen. We all make mistakes. To err is human, and so on. The healthiest couples understand this and, importantly, try not to let pride stand in the way of admitting fault or seeing the forest through the trees. They also work hard at making necessary apologies meaningful (here’s what all good apologies require) and accepting meaningful apologies from their partner. “It’s much more important to be quick to acknowledge mistakes and generous in forgiveness than to not make mistakes,” says Ford. “And attachment research shows that a good repair process strengthens bonds.”

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The Early Childhood Interim Scholarship Program is expanding and is now open to everyone!

The Delaware Department of Education/Office of Early Learning (OEL) is pleased to announce that any person wanting to pursue an early childhood credential or degree is eligible under the expansion program. This interim program is being administered by Children & Families First (CFF) and is open to all professionals seeking educational opportunities. 

This is an interim program and will run from November 2021 through June 2022. The scholarship program covers coursework and assessment fees for CDA candidates, and tuition and other fees for candidates attending an approved college/university. 

Candidates can apply to begin working toward any of the following:

• Child Development Associate (CDA) Credential
• Associate Degree in early childhood education
• Bachelor’s Degree in early childhood education 

For more details regarding the program, please refer to the following website for more information. https://www.cffde.org/cc-scholarships [cffde.org].

Complete the attached Early Childhood Scholarship Form FY22 to apply. 

Questions should be directed to the CFF counselors at scholarships@cffde.org or by phone at 302-734-2388.