I talked to 70 parents who raised highly successful kids
—here’s the No. 1 parenting style they used

Published Sat, Jan 7 202310:09 AM ESTUpdated Sat, Jan 7 20235:47 PM EST

Margot Machol Bisnow, Contributor

Some parents believe in being strict, while others are lenient. Many wonder how to find the right balance.

For my book, “Raising an Entrepreneur,” I interviewed 70 parents who raised highly successful adults about how they helped their kids achieve their dreams.

It was an extremely diverse group — of different races, religions, income, family structure and education. But as I talked to each, I discovered a common theme: “respectful parenting.”

Respectful parenting, sometimes called “wise parenting,” involves setting standards and strict rules (e.g., only spending money you earn) while also being respectful of kids’ choices (e.g., letting them choose their own after school activities).

What is respectful parenting?

When I tell people about the benefits of respectful parenting, they find it surprising and counterintuitive.

Why would any parent let a young child make their own choices? It’s much easier to step in before your kid does something that sounds like a bad idea, like wearing a Halloween costume to school in January or taking apart a radio.

But respectful parents value individuality and don’t try to dictate what their kids are curious about or how they express themselves.

Unlike popular parenting styles such as “permissive,” which overindulges children to avoid conflict, or “authoritarian,” where communication is one-way with little consideration of a child’s emotional needs, respectful parenting is about seeing children as independent, rational beings.

In her book “Grit,” renowned psychologist Angela Duckworth agrees that this is the best way to raise kids.

″[Respectful parents] are accurate judges children’s psychological needs. They appreciate that children need love, limits and latitude to reach their full potential,” she writes. “Their authority is based on knowledge and wisdom, rather than power.”

The 3 pillars of respectful parenting

1. Structure

• Let kids make their own choices, as long as expectations are met.
• Guide them through how things can be done better.
• Expect them to do things, even when it’s hard.

Thomas Vu grew up with strict rules and lots of structure, but his parents gave him complete freedom to pursue his goals.

“I was expected to get straight A’s. It wasn’t easy, but as long as I did, my mom let me play all the video games I wanted. In my book, that was a fair trade,” he told me.

Vu was one quarter from graduating from college with a degree in bioengineering when he got an opportunity to intern at Electronic Arts, a leading video game maker.

His parents weren’t thrilled, but they let him drop out and pursue his dream of creating video games. He later became the lead producer at Riot Games for League of Legends, which today has 180 million players.

2. Supportive

• Give kids the right to their own point of view.
• Respect their privacy.
• Don’t make constant corrections in their actions or speech.

D.A. Wallach is a successful tech investor. One of his early investments was Spotify, where he was Artist-in-Residence.

When Wallach was eight years old, he became interested in investing, so his mom gave him some money and opened an account for him. He spent hours researching companies. His mom gave her opinions, but he got to decide where to invest.

Wallach lost most of the money within six years, but his mom told him that losing was part of the learning process.

Not everyone can afford to give their kid money to learn about investing. But Wallach’s mom nurtured his talents in other ways that didn’t cost money: analyzing, discussing and debating choices with him, treating him like a grown-up, and not agonizing over failure.

3. Warm

• Let kids know they can turn to you for help.
• Spend quality time with them.
• Engage in compassionate activities together.

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Becoming a new father – The Transition to Fatherhood

Posted by National Fatherhood Initiative

Apr 11, 2023

What’s the most fascinating, new area of fatherhood research?

For a research nerd like me, it’s the biological connection between dads and their children. I’m not talking about the DNA dads contribute to their offspring. I’m talking about the changes that take place in dads’ biology during the prenatal and postnatal periods that prepare them for the most vital role of their life.

That’s why I was so pleased to run across the best, concise summary I’ve seen of this burgeoning and exciting area of research. The article below appeared in the Child and Family Blog, a recent addition to our Free Learning Center for its outstanding collection of fatherhood-related research. You’ll enjoy reading it.

For more research on the biological connection between fathers and their children, order Father Facts. It contains an entire chapter of studies examining this connection. I also encourage you to order our New and Expectant Dads and Father Involvement Starter bundles to build this connection in the dads you serve. In building this connection, you’ll increase the chance that dads will stay involved in their children’s lives for the long haul!

Christopher A. Brown, president, National Fatherhood Initiative®

This article is written by Marian J. Bakermans-Kranenburg and Marinus H. van IJzendoorn for the Child & Family Blog. It is republished here with permission.

Becoming a new father – The transition to fatherhood

Babies are ready to meet their fathers, and fathers’ hormones and brains are ready to adapt to this new phase of life.

Key takeaways for caregivers

• The transition to fatherhood is accompanied by changes in fathers’ brains and hormones. These changes are probably related to new activities and routines that fathers are involved in and develop.
• These brain-related and hormonal changes are functional: They support fathers’ sensitive responses to their infants’ needs.
• A new study using ultrasound imaging and feedback during pregnancy indicates that positive father-child interactions can get a head start before birth.

The birth of a child is the birth of a father

The birth of the first child marks the transition to fatherhood in men’s lives. This is a developmental milestone, a new phase in adult life with unfamiliar tasks and responsibilities. The transition is more striking for most men who become fathers now than it was for their fathers and grandfathers.

Today, fathers in Western, industrialized countries are much more actively involved in child care than their fathers were: a three- to six-fold increase in time over what their own fathers typically did. How are men prepared for the life-changing event of becoming a father?

Hormonal changes in new fathers

The changes in hormonal levels in women who go through pregnancy and give birth are unparalleled. These are necessary for housing and feeding a new human being. In the transition to fatherhood, men also undergo hormonal changes, although they are not as significant as those women experience.

From around four weeks before the birth of their first child to around five weeks after birth, men’s testosterone, vasopressin, and cortisol levels decrease, and their oxytocin levels slightly increase. These hormones are involved in many activities.

Testosterone is relevant when we are daring and competitive, vasopressin makes us alert, cortisol helps us respond to unexpected situations and is high when we are under stress, and oxytocin is well known as the love hormone but has more functions: It helps us recognize social signals, such as others’ emotions. These hormonal changes in fathers can be considered as functional for gentle interaction with and sensitive care for the baby.

The perinatal period

But it could also be the other way around: In the perinatal period, the new activities and routines of fathers may lead to changes in their hormone levels, which in turn support sensitive parenting.

For example, when fathers spend a few evenings a week on the couch cuddling with their baby rather than playing football, their cortisol levels probably decline and their oxytocin levels probably rise. This, in turn, may make them more patient when the baby protests during diaper changes. This idea of caregiving routines leading to change in hormonal levels is supported by new research on fathers’ brains.

Do men’s brains change when they become fathers?

There are (at least) three different ways to study human brains to measure change:

1. Brain structures
2. Activity of brain areas
3. Brain networks

1. Brain structures

The first is to look at brain structures, which can be seen as the hardware of the brain. Two studies found some change in fathers’ brain structures in the first months after the birth of the baby (Kim at al., 2014; Martínez-García et al., 2022), but another study did not find such changes (Hoekzema et al., 2016).

2. Activity of brain areas

The second way to study brains is to look at the activity of brain areas in response to child-related stimuli. Much of this research focuses on the sounds of infants crying because that is such an intense and meaningful sound. In their first period of life, it is the only way babies can attract their parents’ attention when they need something.

Indeed, many brain regions are activated when we hear crying sounds. But having children does make a difference: Adults without children show more activity in brain regions involved with cognitive processing when they hear infants crying, while adults with children show more emotional processing (Witteman et al., 2019).

3. Brain networks

While this second type of brain research focuses on separate brain regions, the third type of brain research looks at brain networks. For example, the parental brain network is a system of regions that are supposed to collaboratively support caregiving behavior.

New research shows no differences in this network between fathers during pregnancy and new fathers with a first-born baby of about 2 months, but a remarkable finding for fathers in the postnatal period emerged: The more fathers were involved in their children’s care, the stronger the connectivity in their parental brain network (Horstman et al., 2021). In other words, it does not matter whether or not men have a baby, but it matters how much caretaking they do.

Play helps fathers connect with their babies

Fathers and mothers are both similar and different in the ways they engage with their children. In general, mothers do the lion’s share of caregiving, such as feeding and bathing. When it comes to play, fathers and mothers are more similar in the amount of time they play or read stories with their child. This implies that when fathers and infants interact, it is often in the context of play (Amodia-Bidakowska et al., 2020).

Play is a perfect way for fathers to get to know their child, and to see what they like, what fears they may have, and how they overcome these fears with daddy’s help. This is as rewarding for fathers as it is for children, and it stimulates the attachment relationship (Monteiro et al., 2010).

Positive parenting in fathers starts with prenatal care

We stated earlier that the birth of a child is the birth of a father. Actually, being a parent starts before the birth of the child. Fathers are influential during pregnancy – they affect prenatal development through their own health, and they influence expectant mothers’ mental and physical health.

New research also shows that unborn babies are ready to interact with their fathers. Using ultrasound, we recorded how babies between the 21st and 32nd week of pregnancy responded when their fathers softly massaged mothers’ abdomen, read from a children’s book, or sang for their child (De Waal et al., 2022).

Babies can hear voices coming from outside the abdomen and can recognize their father’s voice. They can remember rhythms and music during pregnancy and even after birth when they heard them regularly during pregnancy. As pregnancy progresses, the skin of mothers’ abdomen thins, there is less amniotic fluid, and the babies’ nervous system develops, enabling them to feel and respond to touch.

In our research, we offered fathers three sessions with ultrasound-based interaction with their unborn baby. We saw on the screen how the babies responded when their fathers read to them from a children’s book or sang a lullaby. We used video-feedback reviewing of the ultrasound images to help them interpret their babies’ states, responses to the interaction (e.g., thumb sucking when dad read), and own initiatives (e.g., pushing against the wall of mother’s womb).

Fathers who received such prenatal video feedback were more sensitive during play with their babies after birth (Buisman et al., 2022). The video feedback may have made these dads more attuned to their babies, and may have spurred them to habitually check their baby’s face and other signals to adapt their own behavior or pace to the infant’s needs.

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7 Things All Boys Need To Hear From Their Father

Don’t be stingy with how often you tell your son, “I love you.”

by Chris Illuminati for Fatherly Updated: May 15, 2023, Originally Published: May 2, 2019

Mikolette/Getty

Even the best father is, at one time or another, guilty of spouting some unhelpful adage or advice to his son. He will, at some point or other, tell a crying young boy to stop “acting like a baby” or fire off a “you’re fine” in place of real compassion. Such phrases have been said by generations of men to generations of young boys when they cried over broken Lego sets, took a soccer ball to the gut, or did something without giving it much thought. The advice is, of course, wildly unhelpful. But it can be a difficult habit to break.

“We’ve been preoccupied with teaching old ideas about masculinity, while ignoring a young man’s basic human needs,” explains Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of the book How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. In it, he echoes through research how the ideals regarding boys needing to be stoic and “man-like” causes them to shut down, which in turn leads to anger and isolation, as well as disrespectful or even destructive behaviors. It’s essential, Reichert argues, for parents to demythologize masculinity and raise boys to be, among other things, vulnerable and emotionally aware.

The key to changing the culture lies in how parents, educators, and mentors help boys develop socially and emotionally by offering better advice. Where to start? Here are seven simple phrases all fathers need to tell their sons more often.

1. “I’ve failed a million times.”

To a kid, it’s easy to think that Dad never does anything wrong. A young boy needs to know from an early age that his father has failed twice as many times as he’s succeeded, in hundreds of different ventures.

“The ideal masculine type, and what boys who are raised with flesh-and-blood fathers get to observe, is all of the human failings of the man,” Reichert explains. “The way we lose our cool. The way we’re scared. The way we’re in love with our partners. All that human substance is demythologizing the role. Telling your son ‘You know, I’ve made a shitload of mistakes’ is primarily to demythologize and make masculinity itself more real and acceptable and not some ideal unachievable standard.”

2. “You have to make yourself happy first before you can make others happy.”

A young boy must learn early on that he has to be a little bit selfish, if for no other reason than self-preservation. “If you don’t know what it is to love yourself, to know yourself, and accept and advocate for yourself, how on Earth are you going to do that for anyone else?” Reichert says.

Sacrificing, in a conscious way, is sometimes useful, but if that’s the only thing a boy is taught to do — in other words to “take one for the team” — and always at his own expense, then it stops becoming a choice. It evolves into a default mode, which can lead to many issues in the future.

3. “Was that really your best effort?”

In moments where you see your son half-assing something, it’s important to call him out to ensure he’s putting forth his best effort. Even more important is how you go about doing so.

“In my research, I’ve found what enabled a boy to do his very best work is a teacher who knows him and holds him to high standards. A man who basically says, ‘That’s not your best, go back and try again,’ and refuses to settle for less. Those are the teachers that boys respect the most. Those are what we call ‘transformative relationships’ because the boy is pulled by the weight of the relationship to accomplish more than he would on his own.”

Reichert asserts that this relationship works whether it’s sports, science, math, or the arts. If a coach, mentor, or father is demanding, but loving and fair, a young man will work his ass off for that coach and get more out of himself than even he thought possible.

4. “Treat people as you want to be treated.”

Teaching your son to treat people as he would want to be treated doesn’t just work for social interactions. It can be carried over into school and team sports and even instills the idea of loyalty and community in a young man.

“This idea is a real challenge to individualism,” says Reichert. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That Marine mentality of ‘Leave no man behind’ because you would never want to go into battle believing that if you get wounded, you might get left behind. You want to be all for each of you.”

5. “Hurt people hurt people.”

This is more than just a clever phrase found all over Pinterest. It’s a good lesson for boys to learn at a young age. Hurt people do harm — either with words or actions — because they have been hurt. This, per Reichert, is known as “traumatic reenactment.”

A father needs to teach his son that when a person hurts him, it’s to transfer the pain from being hurt themselves. Understanding why a person might do something hurtful doesn’t make up for the pain, but it does put it in perspective.

6. “Don’t always blame yourself.”

A young boy is born with the fundamental assumption that the world is fair and just, and anything that happens to disrupt those ideas is because he did something wrong.

I saw it happen with my own son. One day, for no reason, another kid in his class walked up and punched him in the stomach. While recounting the altercation, my son told the school nurse, “I really must have done something to make him mad.”

“We don’t really have cognitive frameworks for understanding certain behaviors,” says Reichert. “Certain things are incomprehensible. Particularly when we’re young. That’s what’s so difficult about traumatic experiences. We don’t really understand it so our first reaction is ‘well, this must be my fault.’”

A father needs to tell his son that whenever something bad happens, it’s not always his fault. There are millions of other factors involved in every action.

How To Let Go Of Resentment Once And For All

Resentment is corrosive. Here's how to stop it from eating away at you.

by Steve Calechman for Fatherly Updated: Feb. 6, 2023, Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2021

Resentment is like a drinking buddy. It keeps you company and lets you tell your story of being wronged. It feels comforting at first, then starts to work less and less. Eventually, no one wants to hear it anymore.

The problem is that you remain stuck while pretending that you don’t care about what happened, when, in truth, you really do. That’s what resentment is. “It’s something that’s unfinished,” says Silvia Dutchevici, licensed clinical social worker and president of Critical Therapy Center in New York City.

The compounding part is that you want the offending person to make amends, except he or she doesn’t care and has moved on. It’s on you to fix things, but resentment is hard to release. It lets you be “right” and rave on, and it provides identity, even though it’s not a productive one.

“Resentment is doing more damage to yourself,” says John Kaplan, psychotherapist and co-director of Marriage Labs in Canton, Massachusetts.

As Kaplan’s wife Gail, psychotherapist and fellow co-founder, says, it’s like the Buddhist belief in two arrows. The first one causes the initial pain. The second one is a person’s reaction, which, when it’s anger, turns the pain into suffering. “It’s about living with the first arrow,” she says.

That work isn’t easy and is complicated by seeing the other person around town or across a family table. But letting go doesn’t require doing everything. You’re not trying to forget, because that’s not possible. You don’t have to forgive. You don’t even have to accept what the other person did. You just have to change the story into being just another story.

Here’s what can help you finally let go of resentment.

1. Admit That You’re Still Bothered

In order to let go of resentment you first have to admit that you’re still bothered. This can be hard, as it’s common to believe you’re shrewd and unshakable. But one of life’s incontrovertible facts is that you can do everything correctly and bad stuff happens. “Suppressing and pretending it isn’t there isn’t the answer,” says Alane K. Daugherty, co-founder of the Mind and Heart Lab at Cal Poly Pomona and author of Unstressed.

The next part is asking yourself, What’s really upsetting me? Dutchevici urges you to remember that the “easy answer is never the answer.” It might appear that it’s being fired or lied to, and those can sting, but with some excavation, you might discover a deeper sore spot, like feeling unworthy or a fear of never measuring up.

The revelation doesn’t make the problem go away, but it can help the resentment shrink as your energy channels off of the person and onto something more productive. “It’s not about what happened,” Dutchevici says. “It’s about me.”

2. Step Off The Gas

You can’t do anything when you’re worked up. Noticing the trigger, be it a name, place, smell, helps. But emotion has a physical component, so scan your body. Hone in on the tight spot with some deep breaths to release it, says Gail Kaplan. If you’re more visual, give the feeling an image, like a jagged rock, or color, like bright red, which can further help you smooth it out or tone it down.

Daugherty also recommends to relax the tiny muscles around your eyes, which will signal your brain to calm down. When you do this, you get into the third-person, essentially watching yourself be upset. You’re unhooked from the intensity, but then …

3. Make a Choice

Follow getting that distance with changing the environment. It could be going outside or into another room. It could be listening to a song or watching TikTok clips. “It gets you out of the routine response,” Daugherty says. It just has to be by choice. The nicest scenery won’t work if you don’t want to take a walk.

But you also want a new emotional link. Start small, Daugherty says, to get forward progress. If you’re feeling unaccomplished, think about jumping the car battery or make those great pancakes. It’s anything, anything, which makes you feel good. Do it over and over with bigger and bigger accomplishments, and it becomes the new habit. “Once you train the neural net, you expand the capacity,” she says.

4. Break Down The Film

Review what happened and ask, “What could I have done differently?” This isn’t about blaming yourself, but as Dutchevici says, “It’s a dynamic.” You were there and there’s something to learn, so when there’s a next time, you know what to look for and ask, and maybe you get it in writing or don’t loan the money. You’re wiser and you’ve stopped replaying an event that can’t change and taken control by finding something usable.

5. Share Your Story

A confrontation isn’t required, but, if you want to, John Kaplan says to shoot your shot and say your piece. There’s a power in advocacy, Dutchevici adds. But they both say to you go in without expectations.

You might get an apology or hear the person’s story, which softens your feelings. But even if it goes poorly, which it well might, you’re getting valuable information, John Kaplan says. You might see that the person is eternally horrible and you decide to cut all ties. It’s not the pretty ending, but it’s one of your choosing.

Even if you don’t go one-on-one, it’s still beneficial to tell your story and get the words out. “When you’re stuck in your mind, there’s no chance to see it differently,” Dutchevici says. Just share it with the right person, someone who’s supportive, doesn’t let you play the victim, and nudges you to find a different interpretation, because, as John Kaplan says, “It’s like a prism. You’re looking at the many angles of it.”

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10 Keys to Succeeding as a Co-Parenting Father

By Wayne Parker 

Updated on November 02, 2022

 Reviewed by Sacha Coupet for Verywell Family

As for the parents, they might struggle with feelings of competitiveness, frustration, and misunderstanding. Additionally, co-parenting in two different households was not what they signed up for when they decided to have kids. Everything about the co-parenting relationship is fraught with challenges.

And yet, in many cases, parents and children adapt to the change and find a way to successfully co-parent after a divorce. Whether the parents have shared parenting time, or whether one has full allocation of parental responsibilities, some careful planning and an effort to put the good of the children first can help create a more amicable and successful experience with co-parenting.

Fathers often have a particularly difficult time because they are usually the non-custodial parent and operate at a disadvantage based on the custody arrangements mandated by the courts. They frequently have the kids far fewer hours in a week than the mom does, and thus feel that they have to make the most of the time they have with the kids. The pressure to keep the kids connected with them when they suffer from a time deficit can be enormous.

Successful co-parenting relationships can be achieved when both parents follow a few simple rules.

Communicate Effectively 

Many co-parenting fathers suggest that this is the most important rule. Many marriages fall apart due to poor communication patterns, so often divorced parents struggle with being good communicators. For the sake of the kids, co-parents need to create much more open and productive communication skills and patterns. They need to talk to each other and use multiple communication channels including talking on the phone, interacting face to face, communicating by email, and texting.

When divorced parents communicate, it is of utmost importance that they communicate directly and not through the kids. Phrases like “tell your mom that…” should be banned from any co-parenting father’s vocabulary.

Document Everything

Quite often, the challenge of co-parenting can lead to further legal action. Fathers need to document every interaction with the co-parenting mother with date, time, content and a list of anyone else who witnessed the interaction. Keeping careful records in a timely way helps keep everyone honest and accountable.

Keep a Regular and Consistent Schedule

Kids thrive on consistency and find themselves anxious when things don’t go according to plan. Co-parents have to work especially hard to keep schedules real and consistent. If dad has the kids on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend, but the children’s schedule first. If there are unavoidable conflicts, try to address them as far in advance as possible so that everyone can plan ahead. The more both parents keep with the pre-determined schedule, the less anxious the kids will be. 

Don’t Overreact

Too often, fathers tend to overreact to a situation that surprises them. Keep an even temperament, even when mom does something that irritates you. The world won’t come to an end for you or for the children if mom forgets to invite you to an event or is a little late for a child exchange. Communicate your frustration — just not in front of the kids.

Disagree in Private

Moms and dads often have very different parenting styles, and occasionally (or more often) you may disagree with what the other is doing with the kids. If you have such a disagreement, deal with it in private and not in front of the kids. If the children see Mom and Dad as loving and supportive of them (and each other), they will feel more secure. Don’t put the kids in the middle of your disagreement or sabotage the other parent with the kids.

Prepare for a Quick and Friendly Exchange

When mom and dad meet to drop off or pick up the kids, make it as easy and perfunctory as possible. Avoid any drama at exchange time. For example, don’t bring your new girlfriend with you to pick up or drop off the kids. Don’t try to talk to Mom about a sensitive issue — save that for later.

Share Positives About Your Time With the Kids With Their Mom

When you do something fun with the kids, or if there is a particularly cute moment, snap a picture and text it to your ex. Often she will really miss the kids during your time with them, and a quick text, photo, or video can help with her anxiety about the kids when you have them. If you do that, she will be more likely to reciprocate when you need it most.

Create and Follow Your Parenting Plan

Many parents with custody arrangements have a parenting plan that is approved by the courts. If you have such a formal plan, follow it religiously. If you don’t, create one of your own after a careful and collaborative process so that both you and your ex-spouse know what to expect of the co-parenting arrangement. Talking about the hard things before they happen can make a big difference in how things go in the daily process of managing co-parenting.

Use an Online Calendar

Most co-parenting families have a struggle when the schedule breaks down. Deciding on a common online calendar that syncs with your personal calendar can avoid a lot of conflicts. If you share details about important events like recitals, school concerts, dances, and parties, you can avoid disappointment and loss of trust. Put all your stuff on the shared calendar, and then she and the kids can be aware in advance of scheduling issues.

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10 Signs of a Healthy, Effective Co-Parenting Relationship

By Jennifer Wolf 

Updated on November 02, 2022

 Fact checked by Andrea Rice for Verywell Family

It takes a lot of work for two parents to get to the point where they can say their co-parenting relationship is going really well. For most families, there is still room for improvement. Rather than focusing on what's not working, though, identify what is going well so that you can accentuate the positive as work toward resolving conflicts with your ex.

The following signs are evidence indicators of a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship.¹ As you read them, consider what already works for you, as well as those areas you hope to improve.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Healthy co-parenting involves two parents who are not together raising their child (or children) jointly to ensure they have a safe and loving environment to grow up in. To work, co-parenting requires that both parents not only contribute in their child's care, upbringing, and activities, but that they also interact frequently and respectfully with one another. The best co-parenting relationships involve the parents putting their personal feelings aside in favor of giving their child what they need emotionally and physically.

Have Clear Boundaries

Navigating Fatherhood as a Black Man

The editor of a new book of essays shares how Black men can attend to
their mental health while growing their families.

By Christina Caron for NY TIMES

June 16, 2022

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This year Father’s Day will fall on June 19, or Juneteenth, a federal holiday commemorating the emancipation of enslaved Black people in the United States after the Civil War. And for Michael D. Hannon, an associate professor of counseling at Montclair State University in Montclair, N.J., that is “an awesome coincidence.”

“We can celebrate Black fathers who are doing their best to protect, provide and prepare their families for success, while also acknowledging the spirit and the resilience and the pursuit of freedom among Black people in this country,” he said.

Dr. Hannon, the self-described father of “two dope Black children” — an 18-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter — has been counseling Black fathers for the last 10 years. And as the editor of the new book “Black Fathering and Mental Health,” he now seeks to elevate the voices of Black fathers — and aspiring ones, too — who also happen to be mental health counselors. Through a series of essays, each writer offers unique perspectives on the needs, challenges and victories of Black fathering in an “anti-Black world.”

The book can serve as a resource for other counselors to help them provide culturally affirming and relevant support to Black fathers, but the personal stories in the collection are also meant for a general audience, who may identify with many of the joys and difficulties presented within.

“It should not be this hard, am I right?” asked one of the essayists, S. Kent Butler, a professor of counselor education and school psychology at the University of Central Florida. “No, I am not right. When it comes to our Blackness, very little is easy about self-acceptance and others’ acceptance. So, where does the strength and resilience come from? What makes it all right? I believe it is my tribe.”

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

What inspired you to create this book? And why now?

Much of the research I do is about Black fathers. So this has, quite frankly, been a long time coming. I really wanted to do at least three things.

The first was to amplify the voices of Black fathers. Period.

Second, I wanted for other people to be able to read and hear these voices in ways that maybe they hadn’t before.

And then third, all of the people who wrote chapters in this book are mental health professionals. I asked them to answer some very specific questions: What might be useful for mental health professionals who are treating or serving Black father clients? What influenced their fathering practice? Did they seek counseling support if and when they confronted challenges and obstacles? And if they did, what did they learn? And if they didn’t, what stopped them?

One of the essayists, Linwood G. Vereen, an associate professor of counseling education at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania who has fathered five biracial children, wrote: “What I have learned in my journey through counseling is that my needs are valid. I have learned that it’s OK to release the unrealistic expectations of others that hurt my soul, and that my Black life matters. I have learned that as much as my children need to see success in life, they must also learn humility through seeing their father show humility.”

Tell me more about why it was particularly important for you to feature the voices of Black fathers.

It’s very easy to consume content about Black men that focuses on some of the challenges that have been systemically placed before us.

You know the stereotype of the absentee Black father, or the overrepresentation of Black men who are incarcerated. But there’s a much more nuanced, rich and complex set of experiences that Black men have. There’s so much to know and understand and appreciate about who Black men are in the context of their communities and how they serve their biological children, and their fictive kin — or the children for whom they are “play uncles” and “play cousins.”

And that’s important because we’re all subject to stereotyping and having prejudiced viewpoints, and no one deserves that. Things like going to the pediatrician with your child and the medical professionals telling you that they’re surprised to see you. Or going to another specialist appointment, maybe with your partner, and the medical professional or the specialist not even addressing any questions to you. Custody cases can transpire in the court systems, as well, that may position Black fathers to not be able to be as engaged as they may want to be.

Are there gems of wisdom from the book that may be helpful to Black fathers?
 
We are socialized to be protectors of our families, protectors of our partners; to provide for our children and families; and prepare them for success. And that’s a lot of pressure. And many times that ability has been influenced by somebody’s socioeconomic profile. What we know now is that fathers, and Black fathers in particular, are contributing in ways much broader than financial provision, and finding ways to emotionally provide for their children. I can’t overstate how important those things are.

“My children are the poster examples of strong, graceful, resilient, fearless and powerful, and most days they use their agency in an unapologetic manner,” Dr. Vereen wrote. “My greatest hope as their father is that they will always do this.”

How can Black fathers protect their mental health?

It’s not easy. What I would remind all Black fathers, and people in general, is that we have to find people and spaces that allow us to be as transparent as possible. We have to find community.

For me, personally, my professional network — whether they’re counselors or my fraternity brothers — there are groups of men to whom I can go and be as brutally honest and as vulnerable as I need to be. It allows me to share all of the victories and the things that I want to celebrate — and it allows me also to share the most challenging, the most vulnerable parts of my experiences, hopefully without fear of judgment.

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7 Ways to Be a More Patient Parent, According to a Patience Expert

Patience is a skill. And like any other skill, it can be nurtured and grown.
These seven exercises can help.

by Ashley Abramson

Updated: Dec. 20, 2022

Originally Published: March 11, 2022 in Fatherly

Parenthood, in many ways, is a long exercise in patience. From the moment you find out you’re expecting, you’re tasked with waiting patiently — and that task might start to feel more demanding as your baby turns into a kid. Sleep training, potty training, and even just getting your kid ready and out the door for preschool all require the ability to stay calm and collected in frustrating moments. Clearly it’s not easy.

“A lot of people think ‘I’m just not patient, and that’s the way it is,’” says Sarah A. Schnitker, Ph.D, a psychology professor at Baylor University who studies patience. But that’s not exactly the case. Patience is a skill that can be acquired — and one that is extremely useful for parents and everyone else. “You can accomplish your goal faster because you’re able to stay regulated, which allows you to exert more effort,” Schnitker says. “If you’re patient while potty training, you can stay calm when your kid has another accident, and not give up.”

Here are a few simple-but-effective ways to improve your patience in the moment and over time, according to experts.

1. Practice Cognitive Reappraisal

Impatience is often driven by negative or catastrophizing thoughts. You may feel like your toddler is trying to mess up your morning, or that it’s the end of the world when you’re running late or someone cuts you off in traffic. Schnitker says cognitive reappraisal, the practice of realigning your thoughts with reality, can help take the edge off when you’re feeling impatient.

One way to do that: Try to take on a different perspective than your own when you feel that hot emotion. For example, if you’re feeling impatient about your toddler’s constant whining, think about how they might feel when they can’t have what they want (and without the luxury of logical thinking). You can also think about the grand scheme compared to your frustrating moment. Losing five minutes of time right now might be stressful and annoying, but in the big picture, it’s probably not that big of a deal.

2. Regularly Reflect on Hard Moments

It’s not always easy (or even possible) to regain patience in difficult moments, and every parent loses their cool from time to time. To help yourself learn from those mistakes, Schnitker says it’s important to take time to reflect on them. After your kids are in bed, ask yourself how the day went. What was the hardest part of the day, what were you feeling in that moment, and how do you wish you handled it differently? “That way, you get to practice a different way of thinking and decide how to handle things differently in the future,” she says.

3. Use Implementation Intentions

Once you take some time to think about how you want to respond when situations test your patience, it can help to make a plan. Schnitker recommends using “if/when” statements: For example, you could decide, “If my kid has a tantrum when it’s time for bed, I’ll give them this much time to calm down.”

“Planning out ahead what you’ll do in those situations that most frustrate you can help, because you don’t have to figure it out when you’re already frustrated,” she says.

4. Identify Your Triggers

Uncontrollable outside scenarios might play a role in loss of patience, but losing your cool involves internal triggers. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, PhD, a California-based psychotherapist, suggests making a list of common scenarios that make you more irritable so you can make a plan to cope before the moment you usually lose your patience.

For example, maybe you tend to get more irritable and impatient when you’re hungry. On the days you have to bring the kids to daycare, make sure to eat breakfast or bring a snack in the car. Or maybe you find yourself struggling more with patience when you’re short on sleep. If you can’t sneak in a nap, ask your partner to take over for the morning so you don’t end up snapping at your family.

“Just identifying that something is a triggering situation for you can help you find the coping skills you need to navigate it with a little more ease and grace,” Peck says.

5. Think with Your Purpose

It’s easier to get frustrated when you lose sight of the big picture. When you’re struggling to be patient with your kids especially, Schnitker suggests zooming out and asking yourself some important questions. For example: Who do you hope your kids become? What values do you want to instill in them? What kind of memories do you want them to have of you later on in life? “Connecting with the bigger purpose of parenting, something you’re working toward besides getting your kids teeth brushed and pajamas on at night, can make it easier to deal with daily frustrations,” she says.

You can reflect on your purpose as a parent in the moment or after the fact by processing with your partner or journaling. The important thing is to give yourself a chance to remember your goals as a parent — and how patience can contribute to your bigger purpose of instilling your principles in your kids.

6. Integrate Mindfulness into Your Routine

At its core, impatience means you have a hard time tolerating tough situations. Mindfulness meditation, which teaches you how to exist in the present moment without judgment or evaluation, can help you improve your patience over time.

“A lot of people think mindfulness is about relaxation, and while that might be a byproduct, it’s more about seeing what’s happening and not moving immediately into action,” says Peck. “It helps lengthen the amount of time and space between the activating event and your response.”

Try downloading a meditation app like Headspace or Insight Timer and carving out a few minutes every day to meditate. During meditations, notice what you feel when you’re trying to meditate — maybe you’re wishing the meditation was over or stressed about what’s next — and then bring yourself back to the moment. Over time, your ability to persevere in patience-requiring situations will grow. “You can look at a situation, be curious about what will unfold, and choose how you’d like to respond,” Peck says.

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How To Truly Share The Mental Load In A Marriage, According To Five Therapists 

 Here’s how you and your partner can balance out the everyday burdens. 

by Jeremy Brown

Updated: Dec. 22, 2022

Originally Published: July 16, 2021, in Fatherly

The mental load of parenting can weigh anyone down. That’s why, whenever possible married couples must ask themselves: Am I doing enough? Is my partner taking on too much? What can I help with to share the mental load? Because when one partner takes on too much, it’s easy to buckle under the weight.

What is mental load? Well, it’s a blanket term for the invisible work that parents must take on — the planning, organizing, remembering, and worrying that tasks require — much of which is usually shouldered by mothers. Let’s use a playdate as an example. The mental load of a playdate is all the little things that add up to a successful outing. The scheduling. The coordinating. The initial conversations with other parents. The buying of snacks. The planning of activities. The consideration of all details. All of these and more add up to the mental load of the little things a parent must remember.

There is a mental load for seemingly every task, from paying bills and buying groceries to putting away clothes and bringing the kids to tee ball practice. It’s a lot of work, but work that co-parents can better handle when they A) have regular conversations about who’s doing what B) play active roles (i.e. don’t ask “what can I do to help?” and just, well, help and C) keep the unseen work in mind and always seek ways to lift the burden.

“Sharing responsibilities with another person can either be strenuous or rewarding,” says Erica Cramer, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. “In most circumstances, two heads work better than one and sharing the mental load with your spouse can lead to optimal results.”

It really is as simple and as difficult as that. If you properly distribute the mental load of parenting in your marriage, Cramer adds, life can be easier, decisions can be better and people can feel more empowered. But if couples are not properly dividing the load, she says, they “can develop tension, resentment, and ruptures.”

So how can you help balance the mental load of parenting? What are some tactics to understand? We spoke to five therapists about balancing the mental load and keeping division equitable. Here’s what they said.

1. Understand What Sharing the Mental Load Means

“Sharing the mental load is not as simple as asking someone to take out the trash. The whole point of offloading this work is to not then be responsible for telling the other person to do it. I remember once having a fight with my own partner where I shared that I felt overly responsible for keeping our household moving. When he told me he was happy to help, I just needed to tell him what to do. I was once again put in a position of responsibility.

What I had really wanted was for him to take on the responsibility not only of the actual tasks but of the thinking and knowing about the task so that I could completely offload it from my mind. The conversation is ongoing, fluid, and dynamic. It is not a ‘one and done’ conversation. As your life grows and changes, most likely your mental loads will as well. This conversation requires couples to be open to their partner’s experience and understand what it would really require to take on a portion of their partner’s mental load. I’d encourage partners to approach this conversation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. It is easy to feel hurt when we are told that we aren’t doing enough, but defensiveness will immediately shut down the conversation.” — Jessica Small, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

2. Play to Each Other’s Strengths

“When one partner has a more rational, intellectual perspective and the other a more intuitive, emotional approach, the two can work together as a lovely, full-bodied partnership. Look at it this way: Each partner has their superpower, which they bring to the equation. Acknowledging and using each skill set to its fullest advantage will help each partner feel seen and valued.

It helps significantly if the two partners take a page from each other’s book. The typically more rational partner can do some work around increasing their understanding of their own emotions so they can more readily express themselves and understand their underlying motivations and reactions. This will also increase their capacity to empathize with their partner. The typically more emotional partner can practice emotional management in the form of mindfulness. The ability to self-regulate will help them communicate in a way their rational partner can receive.” — Zoe Kors, LA-based sex therapist and resident sex and intimacy coach for sexual wellness app Coral.

3. Take a Business-Minded Approach

“Download an app designed for creating lists, such as ‘Microsoft To Do.’ This type of app allows each partner to have a place to put their thoughts as they arise, and it automatically shares it with the other partner. It’s much more effective than sending a text that only gets lost.

And invite your partner to a regular ongoing weekly ‘team meeting’ and hold space on both parties’ calendars. This is a little different than the sit-down and think with me, however, it might end up looking the same. In this weekly meeting, go over what is going to happen this week, this month. and this season. Set some goals about what you’d both like to experience and then put them in the To Do app, so when it’s finished you can mark it off and the app notifies the other person it’s completed.” — Andrea Dindinger, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

4. Maintain a Flexible Mindset

“Life constantly fluctuates. Responsibilities won’t always fall as equally on our shoulders as we would like. Be flexible and know when to bend and when to communicate before you break. There will be times in life when you or your partner is overwhelmed with personal or professional issues. Other times, you’ll find yourself having more time and flexibility and should be mindful of this and offer to pick up each other’s slack.

For example, if you are a teacher who has summers off and your partner’s busiest time in the career is the summer, if your partner’s parents are healthy and live independently but you’re taking care of a sick parent, or if your child needs more attention from a specific parent – it’s important to wane and wax with each other so your individual needs are met and the relationship doesn’t suffer.

In situations like these, be willing to step in and shoulder most of the mental load for that day, week or even month. Hopefully, your partner will do the same when you need their help and support. If your partner is not as attuned to your needs, be honest about the extra support you require. See how they respond and if they are willing to step up to the plate when necessary. Let them know you appreciate their flexibility and your recognition should go a long way.” — Erica Cramer, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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A Father’s Impact on Child Development

By: Children’s Bureau 6/07/2018

Father’s Day is a time in which we recognize fathers and father figures and their contributions to their children, as well as society overall. There are tremendous advantages that are afforded to children who have active, involved fathers during childhood and adolescence. The Fatherhood Project, a non-profit fatherhood program seeking to improve the health and well-being of children and families by empowering fathers to be knowledgeable, active, and emotionally engaged with their children, researched the specific impacts of father engagement during the different childhood development stages.

Here are ten important facts that were collected during their research:

10 Facts About Father Engagement

1. Fathers and infants can be equally as attached as mothers and infants. When both parents are involved with the child, infants are attached to both parents from the beginning of life.
2. Father involvement is related to positive child health outcomes in infants, such as improved weight gain in preterm infants and improved breastfeeding rates.[2]
3. Father involvement using authoritative parenting (loving and with clear boundaries and expectations) leads to better emotional, academic, social, and behavioral outcomes for children.
4. Children who feel a closeness to their father are: twice as likely as those who do not to enter college or find stable employment after high school, 75% less likely to have a teen birth, 80% less likely to spend time in jail, and half as likely to experience multiple depression symptoms.
5. Fathers occupy a critical role in child development. Father absence hinders development from early infancy through childhood and into adulthood. The psychological harm of father absence experienced during childhood persists throughout the life course.
6. The quality of the father-child relationship matters more than the specific amount of hours spent together. Non-resident fathers can have positive effects on children’s social and emotional well-being, as well as academic achievement and behavioral adjustment.
7. High levels of father involvement are correlated with higher levels of sociability, confidence, and self-control in children. Children with involved fathers are less likely to act out in school or engage in risky behaviors in adolescence.
8. Children with actively involved fathers are: 43% more likely to earn A’s in school and 33% less likely to repeat a grade than those without engaged dads.
9. Father engagement reduces the frequency of behavioral problems in boys while also decreasing delinquency and economic disadvantage in low-income families.
10. Father engagement reduces psychological problems and rates of depression in young women.

Overall, the impact that fathers and father figures can make is substantial. Just as there are many positive aspects to father involvement, the effects of father absence can be detrimental as well.

Father Absence

According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. Many theories have been explored to explain the poor state of our nation’s’ children. However, a factor that has been largely ignored, particularly among child and family policymakers, is the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children’s lives.

For starters, studies repeatedly show that children without fathers positively present in the home suffer greatly. Even before a child is born, their father’s attitudes regarding the pregnancy, behaviors during the prenatal period, and the relationship between their father and mother may indirectly influence risk for adverse birth outcomes. In early childhood, studies show that school-aged children with good relationships with their fathers were less likely to experience depression, to exhibit disruptive behavior, or to lie. Overall, they were far more likely to exhibit prosocial behavior.

In adolescence, the implications of fatherless homes are incredible, as these children are more likely to experience the effects of poverty. Former president George W. Bush even addressed the issue while in office, stating, “Over the past four decades, fatherlessness has emerged as one of our greatest social problems. We know that children who grow up with absent-fathers can suffer lasting damage. They are more likely to end up in poverty or drop out of school, become addicted to drugs, have a child out of wedlock, or end up in prison. Fatherlessness is not the only cause of these things, but our nation must recognize it is an important factor.”

Narratively speaking, many individuals can attest to the fact that the lasting impact of a father in child’s life cannot be denied. Many would admit that they have struggled with feelings of abandonment and low self-esteem, due to the lack of a father’s love in their lives.  Some have turned to drugs, alcohol, risky sexual activities, unhealthy relationships, or other destructive behaviors to numb the pains of fatherlessness.

Although the absence of their father is not an isolated risk factor, it definitely can take a toll on the development of children. This is important to take note of, as many would argue that one parental role is more significant than the other. That is simply not true.

According to Psychology Today, researchers have found these narratives to be true. The results of father absence on children are nothing short of disastrous, along a number of dimensions:

1. Children’s diminished self-concept, and compromised physical and emotional security (children consistently report feeling abandoned when their fathers are not involved in their lives, struggling with their emotions and episodic bouts of self-loathing)
2. Behavioral problems (fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behavior problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness)
3. Truancy and poor academic performance (71 percent of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood)
4. Delinquency and youth crime, including violent crime (85 percent of youth in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail as adults)
5. Promiscuity and teen pregnancy (fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with sexual health, including a greater likelihood of having intercourse before the age of 16, foregoing contraception during first intercourse, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infection; girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers egocentrically as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men)
6. Drug and alcohol abuse (fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood)
7. Homelessness (90 percent of runaway children have an absent father)
8. Exploitation and abuse (fatherless children are at greater risk of suffering physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, being five times more likely to have experienced physical
9. Abuse and emotional maltreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse; a recent study reported that preschoolers not living with both of their biological parents are 40 times more likely to be sexually abused)
10. Physical health problems (fatherless children report significantly more psychosomatic health symptoms and illness such as acute and chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and stomach aches)
11. Mental health disorders (father absent children are consistently overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems, particularly anxiety, depression and suicide)
12. Life chances (as adults, fatherless children are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social assistance, and experience homelessness)
13. Future relationships (father absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier, are more likely to divorce or dissolve their cohabiting unions, and are more likely to have children outside marriage or outside any partnership)
14. Mortality (fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the life span)

Tips for Dads

Dads! It would be best if you made every effort to become actively involved in your child’s life – whether you live in the same home as them or not. Here are some great ways to create healthy, positive engagement with your children (adapted from the Modern Dad Dilemma):

1. Speak positively to, and about, their mother. It is so important to be on the same page as their mother about what you desire your role to be, and what that will look like. This is especially important when the relationship is severed through divorce or separation. Be clear and respectful, emphasizing your desire to be an involved father to your children. Also, speak positively about her in front of your children! You may have disagreements at times, but your child needs to know that you respect their mother. They are just as much her child as they are theirs! Speaking poorly of their mother will only damage your relationship with them.
2. Create a vision for fatherhood engagement. Twenty years from now, what do you hope your children say about you as a father? What do you hope they don’t say? Answering these questions will help you clarify your sense of purpose as a dad and guide you in important decisions with your own children. How can you get there?
3. Be the bridge between your own father and your children. Whether or not you look to your father (or mother) as a model for parenting, the legacy of our parents, for better and for worse, lives inside each of us.This is why it’s important to explore and understand your family legacy, particularly your relationship with your father. How will you pass on the positive aspects of your relationship with your father to your own children? How will you avoid repeating the negative aspects of your relationship with your father?
4. Establish a ritual dad time. One way to spend positive time with your child regularly is to create a Ritual DadTime. This is not meant to replace more frequent rituals like taking your kids to school or reading to them at bedtime. Get together as father/child at least once a month. Minimally for at least one to two hours and with only one child at a time (this may be difficult for larger families, but it is essential for building a one-on-one relationship). Choose an activity you both agree on. You may allow your child to choose or alternate who decides. We don’t recommend executive decisions, except in cases of extreme resistance. Make sure you talk during your time together. Using “action talk” (i.e., shooting baskets or playing video games while talking) is great, but men also need to model face-to-face dialogue for children of all ages. You don’t always need a distraction! Be consistent. The ritual does not have to be on the same day each month, but make sure it happens so your child can count on it. Try scheduling your next ritual time at the end of each time together!
5. Know your children. Every child craves the interest, attention, and presence of their primary caregivers. They need you to know who they are as unique individuals, not as vessels for our own grand plans or unrealized dreams. By becoming an expert about your children’s lives – knowing what a certain look on their face means, the best way to get them to sleep, who their friends are, what they’re doing in school, what causes them stress — you send a clear and powerful message that they are worthy of your time, interest, and attention.

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