How To Truly Share The Mental Load In A Marriage, According To Five Therapists 

 Here’s how you and your partner can balance out the everyday burdens. 

by Jeremy Brown

Updated: Dec. 22, 2022

Originally Published: July 16, 2021, in Fatherly

The mental load of parenting can weigh anyone down. That’s why, whenever possible married couples must ask themselves: Am I doing enough? Is my partner taking on too much? What can I help with to share the mental load? Because when one partner takes on too much, it’s easy to buckle under the weight.

What is mental load? Well, it’s a blanket term for the invisible work that parents must take on — the planning, organizing, remembering, and worrying that tasks require — much of which is usually shouldered by mothers. Let’s use a playdate as an example. The mental load of a playdate is all the little things that add up to a successful outing. The scheduling. The coordinating. The initial conversations with other parents. The buying of snacks. The planning of activities. The consideration of all details. All of these and more add up to the mental load of the little things a parent must remember.

There is a mental load for seemingly every task, from paying bills and buying groceries to putting away clothes and bringing the kids to tee ball practice. It’s a lot of work, but work that co-parents can better handle when they A) have regular conversations about who’s doing what B) play active roles (i.e. don’t ask “what can I do to help?” and just, well, help and C) keep the unseen work in mind and always seek ways to lift the burden.

“Sharing responsibilities with another person can either be strenuous or rewarding,” says Erica Cramer, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. “In most circumstances, two heads work better than one and sharing the mental load with your spouse can lead to optimal results.”

It really is as simple and as difficult as that. If you properly distribute the mental load of parenting in your marriage, Cramer adds, life can be easier, decisions can be better and people can feel more empowered. But if couples are not properly dividing the load, she says, they “can develop tension, resentment, and ruptures.”

So how can you help balance the mental load of parenting? What are some tactics to understand? We spoke to five therapists about balancing the mental load and keeping division equitable. Here’s what they said.

1. Understand What Sharing the Mental Load Means

“Sharing the mental load is not as simple as asking someone to take out the trash. The whole point of offloading this work is to not then be responsible for telling the other person to do it. I remember once having a fight with my own partner where I shared that I felt overly responsible for keeping our household moving. When he told me he was happy to help, I just needed to tell him what to do. I was once again put in a position of responsibility.

What I had really wanted was for him to take on the responsibility not only of the actual tasks but of the thinking and knowing about the task so that I could completely offload it from my mind. The conversation is ongoing, fluid, and dynamic. It is not a ‘one and done’ conversation. As your life grows and changes, most likely your mental loads will as well. This conversation requires couples to be open to their partner’s experience and understand what it would really require to take on a portion of their partner’s mental load. I’d encourage partners to approach this conversation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. It is easy to feel hurt when we are told that we aren’t doing enough, but defensiveness will immediately shut down the conversation.” — Jessica Small, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

2. Play to Each Other’s Strengths

“When one partner has a more rational, intellectual perspective and the other a more intuitive, emotional approach, the two can work together as a lovely, full-bodied partnership. Look at it this way: Each partner has their superpower, which they bring to the equation. Acknowledging and using each skill set to its fullest advantage will help each partner feel seen and valued.

It helps significantly if the two partners take a page from each other’s book. The typically more rational partner can do some work around increasing their understanding of their own emotions so they can more readily express themselves and understand their underlying motivations and reactions. This will also increase their capacity to empathize with their partner. The typically more emotional partner can practice emotional management in the form of mindfulness. The ability to self-regulate will help them communicate in a way their rational partner can receive.” — Zoe Kors, LA-based sex therapist and resident sex and intimacy coach for sexual wellness app Coral.

3. Take a Business-Minded Approach

“Download an app designed for creating lists, such as ‘Microsoft To Do.’ This type of app allows each partner to have a place to put their thoughts as they arise, and it automatically shares it with the other partner. It’s much more effective than sending a text that only gets lost.

And invite your partner to a regular ongoing weekly ‘team meeting’ and hold space on both parties’ calendars. This is a little different than the sit-down and think with me, however, it might end up looking the same. In this weekly meeting, go over what is going to happen this week, this month. and this season. Set some goals about what you’d both like to experience and then put them in the To Do app, so when it’s finished you can mark it off and the app notifies the other person it’s completed.” — Andrea Dindinger, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

4. Maintain a Flexible Mindset

“Life constantly fluctuates. Responsibilities won’t always fall as equally on our shoulders as we would like. Be flexible and know when to bend and when to communicate before you break. There will be times in life when you or your partner is overwhelmed with personal or professional issues. Other times, you’ll find yourself having more time and flexibility and should be mindful of this and offer to pick up each other’s slack.

For example, if you are a teacher who has summers off and your partner’s busiest time in the career is the summer, if your partner’s parents are healthy and live independently but you’re taking care of a sick parent, or if your child needs more attention from a specific parent – it’s important to wane and wax with each other so your individual needs are met and the relationship doesn’t suffer.

In situations like these, be willing to step in and shoulder most of the mental load for that day, week or even month. Hopefully, your partner will do the same when you need their help and support. If your partner is not as attuned to your needs, be honest about the extra support you require. See how they respond and if they are willing to step up to the plate when necessary. Let them know you appreciate their flexibility and your recognition should go a long way.” — Erica Cramer, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

READ MORE

ENSURING NONCUSTODIAL PARENT, FATHER-INCLUSIVE LENSES ARE APPLIED TO

DECISION-MAKING

Anchored in racial equity and informed by families’ lived experience, 2Gen approaches build upon the power of education, early care and learning, health, and employment systems to ensure equitable access

to resources and opportunities for entire family units. Policymakers and practitioners at city, county, and state levels continue to embrace the 2Gen approach, and the field is encouraged by ongoing bipartisan

commitment at the federal level. The Two-Generation Economic Empowerment Act and the Pathways to Health Careers Act are two positive and concrete steps toward ensuring that prosperity passes from one

generation to the next.

But too often — at all levels — leaders fall short of ensuring that custodial and noncustodial, resident and nonresident, father-inclusive lenses are applied to their decision-making. Regardless of intent, this results in

harmful consequences that undermine the economic security, health, and well-being of children and the adults in their lives. 

We saw this at the onset of the pandemic with Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act guidelines for exempting cash assistance from federal tax offsets. While offsets to pay taxes, educational loans,

and other government debts were granted exemptions to ensure cash flowed to families, the act did not exempt direct cash payments from offsets to pay child support arrears. This meant that across the country, as

many as 2.1 million noncustodial parents — most of whom are fathers — in the child support program did not receive full cash assistance because they owe child support arrears assigned not to families but to states to pay

back Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) cash assistance received by families. If — as is the case in this example — the intention is to ensure that children and families have access to

resources to meet their basic needs, we must intentionally, explicitly, and consistently apply noncustodial parent, father-inclusive lenses to decision-making.

THE OPPORTUNITY

As leaders at all levels, in public and private sectors, plan and execute immediate and long-term efforts to ensure families bounce back stronger, now is the time to embed father-inclusive, noncustodial parent lenses

into platforms and processes.

Opportunities to do so include:

„ Incorporating a gender analysis into decision-making processes

„ Disaggregating data around race, gender, and parental status

„ Explicitly identifying noncustodial caregivers and fathers as target populations within family-supportive policies and programs

„ Revisiting eligibility requirements based on residential status (i.e., whether or not caregivers live in the same household as their children)

„ Training staff on implicit bias

„ Operationalizing father-friendly principles and practices

THE EXAMPLE

Strengthening Families for Success Act Senate Finance Committee Ranking Member Ron Wyden (D-OR), Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD), and Representative Danny Davis (D-IL) have introduced legislation to improve federal programs designed to promote healthy co-parenting and financial stability for families with low incomes. To ensure that families receiving TANF benefits get as much of the money collected through child support payments as possible and help caregivers maintain healthy co-parenting relationships, the legislation would:

„ Modernize child support by eliminating cost recovery for TANF, Title IV-E foster care maintenance payments, and Medicaid birth costs by fiscal year 2026 while providing bridge funding to help states implement these changes.

„ Reauthorize the Healthy Marriage Promotion and Responsible Fatherhood grant program through fiscal year 2025, establish infrastructure for grantees to measure outcomes and receive technical assistance, and ensure continuity of services during a public health emergency.

„ Address the COVID-19 public health emergency’s impact on the child support program and families by providing emergency flexibility during the pandemic and exempting 2020 Economic Income Payments from the CARES Act from reduction or offset.

Download Report Below:

Ascend_Fatherhood-Lens

October 10, 2016
by Ronald Warren www.sixseeds.patheos.com

Bullying is something many children will encounter in some form. It can be name-calling, being picked upon or worse. And, nowadays it can happen in person or online. There is a temptation, especially for dads, to say, “what’s the big deal” or “isn’t this just innocent kid’s stuff?” But the fact is that all forms of bullying are abusive and can leave a painful legacy that can affect children even into adulthood. And, of particular note, dads have a unique and important role to play in helping their kids deal with bullies. Indeed, the social science data shows that children with involved dads are more likely to exhibit pro-social behavior, like proper impulse control and good conflict resolution skills and, thereby, are less likely to bully or be the target of bullies.

So if your kid is being bullied, here are some things to consider:

• Get Involved…Early—As soon as your children begin to interact with others, you need to begin to teach them not to bully and how to protect themselves from bullies. Remember, children generally do not learn to solve these kinds of problems by themselves. Parents need to teach them.
• Bullies need love too.—Despite your frustration or even anger when you learn that your child is being bullied, you must remember that the bully is a kid too. Moreover, bullies are very often children who have been bullied or abused themselves. They may be experiencing a life situation that they can’t handle and that leaves them feeling helpless and out of control. Bullying may just be a release for them. Since they can’t control their life, they want to control your child.
• Bullies don’t grow on trees.—They usually have parents and in many cases their parents don’t know that their child is the class bully. Accordingly, it’s generally a good strategy to get them involved. Remember, however, that they will probably be defensive at first, so don’t lose your cool and make the matter worse. The goal is to create a safe environment for your child.
• Just the facts, Ma’am.—It’s important that you be a “Detective Joe Friday” and get as much information as you can from your child before you take action. Avoid blaming anyone including your child or even, the bully. Also, make sure that you consider your child’s behavior, conflict management skills and temperament. The solution to this problem may entail some changes for both your child and the bully.
• Remember, life is a stage.—One of things that my son found most helpful was role playing how he could respond to the bully. He was a bit nervous at first but once he got comfortable, it gave him a renewed sense of confidence. So, I strongly recommend that you actually walk through the situations and have your child practice different responses.
• Get additional help if needed.—Like your child, you are not alone in handling this situation. Teachers, school administrators, counselor and pastors can be great resources. In addition, you can visit www.safechild.org.

Posted by Christopher A. Brown

Last week I wrote about research that shows how important dad's presence is at the birth of his child.

Specifically, his presence increases the likelihood his child will be a healthy newborn. It also means mom is likely to be healthier.

On the other hand, when dad is absent, baby and mom are less likely to be healthy.

But what happens after the birth? How involved is dad at the earliest stage of his child's life? Those are two vital questions because, as we know, a child with an involved dad is more likely to grow up healthy physically, emotionally, and socially.

Another excellent research brief from the Child & Family Research Partnership at the University of Texas at Austin reveals the proportion of dads who are involved and not involved. It also reveals the factors that predict a lack of involvement.

Analyzing data from the same sample of 800 unmarried Texas moms that pointed to the importance of dad's presence at birth, researchers found that 27% of unmarried dads were completely uninvolved in their child's life a mere three months after their child's birth. (For details on how the researchers defined and measured involvement, read the research brief.) The good news, of course, is that nearly three quarters of the unmarried dads were involved.

Nevertheless, that's more than 200 children with an absent dad.

Read More