Limiting teens’ social media feels impossible.
But we have to try.

By Amy Joyce for Washington Post

May 25, 2023, at 11:43 a.m. EDT

Recently, my husband and I had a talk with our teen boys about phones. There was too much mindless scrolling going on, and we had an idea. What if, we said, you plug your phones in downstairs, in the basement? And when you need them, you go downstairs, do what you need to do, come back. That includes texting, snapping friends, checking box scores.

The basement plan was intended to create a physical space between boy and phone, with us hoping the small barrier would be enough to deter them from constantly checking.

It lasted all of a couple days.

This week, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued an advisory that confirms what most of us teen parents have long known: Social media is hurting our kids. They are losing sleep, pulling away from real life, spending way too much time staring at a phone instead of doing ... anything else. They are drawn to content that is making them anxious, depressed and unwell, and they can’t stop. Murthy called for technology companies to put better protections in place, to help us parents deal with this.

But pulling our kids away from social media is much easier said than done. According to Pew Research, 95 percent of teens between 13 and 17 have access to smartphones; Common Sense Media found that 84 percent of teens use social media. Among many parents, there’s a strong sense that the genie is already out of the bottle — this stuff is everywhere, and even without a phone, our kids would still find ways to access the platforms we want to keep them away from. When I mentioned our abandoned basement plan to a friend, she said to me, “Wow, you’re still actually trying to rein it in? I just figured at this age we give up.”

But I have learned over the years that if my husband and I feel our kids are on their screens too much, they’re probably feeling it too: That same Common Sense Media report also indicated that only 34 percent of teens who use social media say they enjoy it “a lot.” Not all social media is bad — it can be a way for tweens and teens to connect to other like-minded peers, to keep in touch with far-flung friends, to communicate beliefs and feed new interests. But as most of us have experienced, once our kids are sucked in, it’s enormously difficult to pull them back. However, it’s not impossible, and as evidenced by Murtha’s report and dire warning, the stakes are so high that parents have to try.

What teens think parents should know about phones

And so for those of us who have allowed our kids to have a phone and social media (most of us), how do we walk it back now? What do we wish we had known, as Melinda French Gates once said in an article here, “before putting a computer in my children’s pockets”? It might take stronger boundaries at home, it might take recruiting other parents to join in the battle and it will definitely take more effort on the part of tech companies. But to be sure: The struggle between letting our kids have a phone and begging them to put it down is real.

For many parents, it’s the idea that their children are the only ones who don’t have a phone or aren’t on a certain social media site that pushes them to allow it in the first place. Abigail Cannon of Bend, Ore., finally allowed her son, 14, to have Snapchat around January because the rest of his hockey team was using it. “I’m already regretting it,” she said. “It hit that perfect parental piano key where I thought ‘Oh, he’s being left out.”

But now he’s using it to watch “totally unfiltered content that just consumes all of his interest and focus... So all the healthy limits we had worked so hard to have, it’s just more slippery than anything else we’ve ever dealt with," Cannon said. “I can’t even figure out how to use screentime limits for Snap. Truly, it’s run by aliens.”

The Cannon family rules? Constant checks to make sure screen limits are in place. No phones at meals. No phones in rooms at night. (She is, after all, a pediatric sleep coach.) And yes, they are rethinking Snapchat. Cannon is considering talking to the parents of her son’s teammates. “Can we recruit the group of friends who matter to him most to stop? It has to be a community effort rather than individual.”

As a parent, she’s tired of all the vigilance, and she thinks a lot about how absorbing the app is. “I really wonder if it’s just a profound distraction that might be [keeping him from something] that could be interesting to him.”

The fact is, say experts and parents alike, when teens are given boundaries around phones, they feel relief. “If kids really sat there and took stock of how they feel when they’re on their devices, they would notice a drop in feeling good about themselves,” says Jennifer Kelman, a mental health expert with Just Answer, and clinical social worker specializing in children’s mental health. “We all think our kids don’t want discipline and boundaries, but they do. ... If we just let them have free rein, they feel out of control.”

Worried about your kids’ screen time? Check your own first.

Schenley Walker says she was the “last parent standing” in San Francisco, as her kids didn’t get phones until their first year of high school. “The idea that we’re running this giant experiment on kids has always resonated with me,” she says. “We’ve dramatically changed how people interact in a short period of time.”

She delayed as long as possible, in part by sending her kids to summer camp without devices. “The break they have in the summer is key, because that’s taught them from age 10: Look at this rich life I can have when I ... can engage in the world instead of a screen.”

Handing a phone to her children at older ages has helped them regulate their usage, she believes. Her son, a 20-year-old college student, has a phone but seems uninterested in social media. Her daughter, finishing her junior year of high school, participates in social media, but it hasn’t taken over her life, and there are no restrictions from her parents. “She’s 17. At this point, she needs to figure out on her own what works for her with minimal guidance,” Walker said. “What I do like is she has a set of friends who like to be together when they’re in person.”

The report released this week points to two major issues: Content and problematic screen use, says Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers.”

“It’s critically important that we talk to kids about what they’re exposed to through digital technology — and these should be ongoing conversations,” she said. “There are benign digital spaces, and there are incredibly dangerous digital spaces, such as those that promote eating disorder behavior, misogyny, racism and self-harm.”

And we need to have open conversations with our children about the time spent on screens, she said. “Technology should not interfere with sleep, physical activity, in-person time, contributing around the house and in one’s community.”

So how do we parents have these conversations in productive ways? Read the report, she says. Then print it out and talk about it with your teen. If they argue against new boundaries, explain that new information is coming to light “and in all things, we work with the most recent information.”

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How Do Kids Learn To Make Friends? They Look To Dad

By teaching them how to play and offering a particular kind of emotional and 
social support and dads are crucial to pave the way for kids’ friendships. 

by Ross D. Parke for Fatherly, Updated: May 16, 2023, Originally Published: Feb. 7, 2020

SolStock/Getty

Friendship, in many ways, determines who we become. And who a child ends up befriending — and how they befriend them — is within a parent’s control. When it comes to the development of children’s social skills — their relationships with peers and friends, their capacities to resolve conflict and their abilities to concentrate — parents are essential, and fathers play an outsize role. Think of dad as the provider of social opportunities, the guy who gets the party going. For most children, his example will become a route to resilience and lifelong social engagement.

Fathers’ participation in social and emotional learning begins with infants’ early attachment. Having secure attachment with fathers as well as mothers in infancy bequeaths long-term benefits in terms of social skills. It is the start of a lengthy, continuous process that leads to other patterns of interactions, notably during play.

Children’s play with their fathers is often the physical context in which children develop social skills they need to make and keep friends. It provides the guidebook for how to manage relationships.

In studies, we observed fathers who moderated their physical play to a pace that suited their children, slowing down when the child was getting overwhelmed and being sensitive to facial expressions that called for gentler play. We observed that if a child was too unruly, dads’ facial expressions communicated to children that they should moderate their behavior. The children of fathers capable of this sort of mutual regulation were more socially successful with peers. They had learned how to recognize and produce the emotional cues for managing relationships. They knew how to avoid becoming too angry or sad or flat, and how to keep their emotions at levels that were not too exhausting. They were resilient.

The following originally appeared in a different format on the Child & Family Blog, transforming research on cognitive, social, and emotional development and family dynamics into policy and practice.

My work has also demonstrated that successful playful interaction with fathers in first grade is correlated to better concentration skills and predictive of academic achievement in third grade. Good father play is also linked to politeness and the capacity to display a positive attitude in the face of disappointment. In short, children gain a package of social and emotional learning in their interactions with their fathers that they can apply to a variety of situations.

Strong, healthy attachments, of course, are not limited to fathers. Children who are securely attached to both their mothers and fathers typically expect that the world will be a positive place and will respond to them in positive ways. Mothers are very important for children’s emotional development and managing relationships with friends. However, their contributions often take a different form. They are more likely to provide the language or vocabulary of emotion and to deliver it in a didactic/teaching format. Fathers tend more to provide their social and emotional learning in an interactional/playful context and in less linguistic form.

Well-adapted children typically have fathers who advise them on relationships and exemplify how to repair them including how to solve problems together and rectify past wrongs. These are cognitive templates for maintaining good relationships with friends and others.

Decades of work on how mothers and fathers resolve conflict also shows that after parents have a falling out, if they resolve things in a constructive way, the children will do better and be more able to manage their own emotions.

How to Foster a Healthy Social Life for Your Kid

If you break it down, fathers’ contributions to children’s social skills come in three parts: secure attachment and social interaction; advice on problem-solving for relationships with friends or peers, and showing how mom and dad resolve their conflicts. The best way to increase all of these is with involvement.

Supporting secure attachment and good interaction starts in the delivery room. We filmed new fathers being instructed about how to feed and hold a baby. Just 15 minutes made a difference to their parental competence three months later. Healthcare practitioners should recognize that they are supporting a family unit, not just a mother-infant pair.

Dads are underestimated and undermined when it comes to their children’s role in the development of social skills. The dad dance — the to-and-fro of father-child interaction in which each grows sensitive and responsive to the other — is a rhythm that children ultimately transfer to relationships with friends, peers, and the adult world. We should do everything we can to help them get the rhythm right.

• Dads are the point-parent for developing social skills in children.
• Successful playful interaction with fathers in first grade are correlated to better concentration skills in children and was predictive of academic achievement in third grade.

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25 Pieces of Marriage Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together 25+ Years

What keeps a relationship going for the long haul? Here are the honest answers from those who've been married for a quarter-century or more.

By Matt Christensen 

Apr 26 2022, 1:49 PM from Fatherly

Marriage advice is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn’t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as “Say sorry even if you don’t mean it” or “Don’t go to bed angry”? These phrases tend to leak out of people’s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely helpful. True, lived-in advice for a long, happy marriage isn’t so tidy because neither are relationships.

So, what is some honest, real advice from couples who’ve been through the long haul? We recently asked 25 people who have been married for 25 plus years about what makes their relationship work. Cliches didn’t enter the equation. Instead, their answers reflected a simple truth: long-term relationships are both easy and hard, but made better by honesty, fun, and a shared sense of unity. They urged communication and clarity. They underscored the importance of shared meals and spicing things up with dirty jokes. They emphasized appreciation and attention to detail. Here’s what they said, and why it’s helped them stay together for the long run.

1. Accept and allow

“This is a mantra I picked up early on in our marriage, and it’s one my husband and I have come to live by. I forget where I heard it, but it’s basically a nice way of saying, ‘You knew who your partner was when you got married, and you can’t change them.’ There were many things I wished I could change about my husband after we’d been married for a little while. But I realized I loved him, and it was a waste of time to dwell on them. I needed to accept him for who he was, and allow him to be himself. That doesn’t mean we can’t get upset, or voice concerns. It just means that we’re committed unconditionally to the person we married, even when they drive us crazy.” – Lynne, 62, Florida (married 31 years)

2. Imagine life without your partner

“My wife and I talk about this all the time. We imagine what our toughest days would be like without each other. Truthfully, we always agree that we’d make it through. Realistically, we’re each independent and strong enough that we’d be fine. But, it would be terrible. That’s the takeaway: life would be possible without each other, but it wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun, special, or full of great moments. It’s not uncommon for us to ask each other, ‘Can you imagine if I wasn’t here?’ The answer is usually some variation of, ‘Yeah. It would suck. I’m glad you are.’” – Jerry, 56, Maryland (married 30 years)

3. Crack jokes

“We got married when we were both almost 40, and our sense of humor has gotten more juvenile every year. Maybe it’s just us, but I don’t think so. We laugh at rude noises. We roll our eyes at each other’s terrible jokes. We love raunchy movies. It’s just that primitive, human sense of humor we both have. So many couples seem to lose that the longer they stay married. There’s this weird pressure to become more civilized or dignified as you get older. We never got that memo, it seems. And when it’s just the two of us, we’re usually cracking up. We’ve stayed in love so long because we’re too busy laughing to be fighting.” – David, 68, Michigan (married 30 years)

4. Choose your own adventure

“My marriage has never been easy but it’s always been an adventure. Best advice I can give – getting married is like going to a theme park. Know who you are and what ride you want to go on. If you want to go on the carousel (stability and serenity) marry that. If you want to go on the roller coaster (risk and adventure) don’t marry someone who’s afraid of speed and heights. The key is to know yourself and what you want before you pledge yourself to a partnership. Then, once you’ve found your match, run your marriage like a good company. Identify each person’s strengths and weaknesses, and delegate those responsibilities accordingly..” – Kathleen, 57, Nebraska (married 31 years)

5. Don’t be so damn stubborn

“Don’t insist on always having the last word. It’s never not worth it. What you think is a fundamental, bedrock principle might actually be just a personal preference not worth having a spat or holding a grudge about. Be open to that possibility. Even if you get your way, it will take a toll. And if you agree to something, abide by the mutual decision. The loss of trust is also not worth getting your way. We’ve learned to be responsible for and take ownership of our decisions and actions, and we always try to avoid criticizing or guilting. It never helps. Instead, we try to have constructive conversations about specific behaviors that might be troubling, and we’re each willing to listen to each other’s concerns – even if they seem trivial.” – Claude, 68 (married 33 years)

6. Do the work

“Everyone has heard the phrase, ‘opposites attract’, but you don’t really hear the phrase, ‘opposites keep people together.’ They can, though, if you learn how to navigate them. Opposites can create a great deal of conflict over time if you don’t learn how to accept them. It can be a difficult process, but it’s necessary to stay happily married long term. Good marriages don’t just happen. They require a great deal of work and intention. The English language has one word for love. I love my wife and I love spicy food. There is no comparison. Since the term ‘I love you’ is so confusing and vague it makes sense to define what that means to both of you, even if you’re total opposites.” – Monte, 64, Florida (married 40 years)

7. Bite your tongue

“My rule is: bite your tongue for at least 24-48 hours after before speaking when tensions are high. If you are overly emotional and/or upset about something, doing so gives you time to cool off and then reflect on the situation with greater space, perspective, calmness, and clarity. If you still want to talk about it, schedule a mutually agreed upon time to do so. Say something like, ‘I am upset about what you just said/did, but I want to think about it before we talk.’ Mentally, you’ll be in a much better place.” – Romy, 52, California (married 26 years) 

8. You won’t always be on the same page

“And that’s okay. Patience and communication are key to any successful relationship, but especially a long-term one. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree about everything. There will be times when you need to listen more than you talk, and times when you need to communicate openly and honestly. You can do this by making time for each other, even when life gets busy. Whether it’s taking a walk after dinner or spending a weekend away together, do everything you can to keep the bond strong.” – Steve, 49, Arizona (married 26 years) 

9. Keep each other guessing 

“My husband is a quiet man. Me? Not so much. I was surprised when he told me how much he loves the fact that he never knows what I’m going to do from one minute to the next. And I appreciate his willingness to try different things. As our unofficial ‘social secretary,’ I’ve planned trips where he hasn’t really known where we’re going until we get on the plane. Our secret really is just keeping our life interesting. Otherwise, life becomes stale and boring. Do something unexpected from time to time and you’ll learn how much you cherish each other’s company.” – Carol, 72, Georgia (married 49 years)

10. Ask for space when you need it

“I think many couples are afraid to say, ‘Hey, I need some time alone, away from you.’ They worry that their partner will take it personally, and so they avoid the conversation completely. Early in our courtship, we were very clear with each other about the fact that we wouldn’t survive marriage if we couldn’t each have our own space. So, we’re not shy with each other when we need a breather. Sometimes it’s just a few hours with a good book. Other times, one of us wants to get a coffee and run errands on a Saturday. The key is being respectful about the request, considering any commitments you might have, and using that time to recharge yourself for the betterment of the relationship.” – Curt, 64, South Carolina (married for 36 years)

11. Learn each other’s love language

“Any act of love done with the best intentions is good, but knowing how your partner prefers to receive those gestures can make them much more special. My wife’s two love languages are quality time and acts of service. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve learned how happy it makes her when I help out around the house. Simple things, like unloading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry, make her so happy. And because I pitch in, and we work as a team, we’re able to spend more quality time together. You can take the tests and stuff to figure out what each other’s love language is. That’s easy. The more fun part is finding out how you can try to speak to your partner using them every day.” – Gene, 54, Massachusetts (married 28 years) 

12. Always kiss goodnight

“In all of our years of marriage, I think there have been maybe a dozen times my husband and I haven’t kissed each other goodnight. Even when we’ve had terrible, terrible arguments, we always kiss each other on the cheek, or the forehead, just as a way to remind each other that we’ll get through this. When you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re so angry, it can be hard to say, ‘I love you.’ Sometimes, you just don’t have the voice. But a quick kiss can say a lot, and for us it has.” – Renee, 60, Texas (married 31 years)

13. Be patient with your spouse — and yourself

“You need to be flexible in a marriage. You need to understand that, if you and your partner truly love each other, you’re not deliberately trying to make things difficult. But, inevitably, there will come times when you just can’t agree. In those times, you need to remember that you both are only human. We used to get upset with each other, and then beat ourselves up pretty badly because we’d think, ‘I should be better at this…” And our marriage suffered. It wasn’t until we were able to extend grace to ourselves and each other, and remind ourselves that we are both still learning how to be better every day that we really grew as a couple.” – Ray, 47, New York (married 25 years)  

14. Never assume

“If your partner is upset with you, don’t assume you know why. If he’s quiet or down, don’t assume you know why. If you’re upset, don’t assume he knows why. You have to remember that, no matter how connected you both may be, you’re not mind-readers. You need to communicate as clearly as possible, and as frequently as possible. Give each other permission to say you’d rather wait to talk about things, but always let your partner know that you don’t want to assume you know what’s going on.” – Christine, 51, Connecticut (married 26 years)

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