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25 Pieces of Marriage Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together 25+ Years

Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition - Thursday, May 05, 2022

25 Pieces of Marriage Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together 25+ Years

What keeps a relationship going for the long haul? Here are the honest answers from those who've been married for a quarter-century or more.

By Matt Christensen 

Apr 26 2022, 1:49 PM from Fatherly


 

Marriage advice is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn’t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as “Say sorry even if you don’t mean it” or “Don’t go to bed angry”? These phrases tend to leak out of people’s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely helpful. True, lived-in advice for a long, happy marriage isn’t so tidy because neither are relationships.

So, what is some honest, real advice from couples who’ve been through the long haul? We recently asked 25 people who have been married for 25 plus years about what makes their relationship work. Cliches didn’t enter the equation. Instead, their answers reflected a simple truth: long-term relationships are both easy and hard, but made better by honesty, fun, and a shared sense of unity. They urged communication and clarity. They underscored the importance of shared meals and spicing things up with dirty jokes. They emphasized appreciation and attention to detail. Here’s what they said, and why it’s helped them stay together for the long run.


1. Accept and allow

“This is a mantra I picked up early on in our marriage, and it’s one my husband and I have come to live by. I forget where I heard it, but it’s basically a nice way of saying, ‘You knew who your partner was when you got married, and you can’t change them.’ There were many things I wished I could change about my husband after we’d been married for a little while. But I realized I loved him, and it was a waste of time to dwell on them. I needed to accept him for who he was, and allow him to be himself. That doesn’t mean we can’t get upset, or voice concerns. It just means that we’re committed unconditionally to the person we married, even when they drive us crazy.” – Lynne, 62, Florida (married 31 years)


2. Imagine life without your partner

“My wife and I talk about this all the time. We imagine what our toughest days would be like without each other. Truthfully, we always agree that we’d make it through. Realistically, we’re each independent and strong enough that we’d be fine. But, it would be terrible. That’s the takeaway: life would be possible without each other, but it wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun, special, or full of great moments. It’s not uncommon for us to ask each other, ‘Can you imagine if I wasn’t here?’ The answer is usually some variation of, ‘Yeah. It would suck. I’m glad you are.’” – Jerry, 56, Maryland (married 30 years)


3. Crack jokes

“We got married when we were both almost 40, and our sense of humor has gotten more juvenile every year. Maybe it’s just us, but I don’t think so. We laugh at rude noises. We roll our eyes at each other’s terrible jokes. We love raunchy movies. It’s just that primitive, human sense of humor we both have. So many couples seem to lose that the longer they stay married. There’s this weird pressure to become more civilized or dignified as you get older. We never got that memo, it seems. And when it’s just the two of us, we’re usually cracking up. We’ve stayed in love so long because we’re too busy laughing to be fighting.” – David, 68, Michigan (married 30 years)


4. Choose your own adventure

“My marriage has never been easy but it’s always been an adventure. Best advice I can give – getting married is like going to a theme park. Know who you are and what ride you want to go on. If you want to go on the carousel (stability and serenity) marry that. If you want to go on the roller coaster (risk and adventure) don’t marry someone who’s afraid of speed and heights. The key is to know yourself and what you want before you pledge yourself to a partnership. Then, once you’ve found your match, run your marriage like a good company. Identify each person’s strengths and weaknesses, and delegate those responsibilities accordingly..” – Kathleen, 57, Nebraska (married 31 years)


5. Don’t be so damn stubborn

“Don’t insist on always having the last word. It’s never not worth it. What you think is a fundamental, bedrock principle might actually be just a personal preference not worth having a spat or holding a grudge about. Be open to that possibility. Even if you get your way, it will take a toll. And if you agree to something, abide by the mutual decision. The loss of trust is also not worth getting your way. We’ve learned to be responsible for and take ownership of our decisions and actions, and we always try to avoid criticizing or guilting. It never helps. Instead, we try to have constructive conversations about specific behaviors that might be troubling, and we’re each willing to listen to each other’s concerns – even if they seem trivial.” – Claude, 68 (married 33 years)


6. Do the work

“Everyone has heard the phrase, ‘opposites attract’, but you don’t really hear the phrase, ‘opposites keep people together.’ They can, though, if you learn how to navigate them. Opposites can create a great deal of conflict over time if you don’t learn how to accept them. It can be a difficult process, but it’s necessary to stay happily married long term. Good marriages don’t just happen. They require a great deal of work and intention. The English language has one word for love. I love my wife and I love spicy food. There is no comparison. Since the term ‘I love you’ is so confusing and vague it makes sense to define what that means to both of you, even if you’re total opposites.” – Monte, 64, Florida (married 40 years)


7. Bite your tongue

“My rule is: bite your tongue for at least 24-48 hours after before speaking when tensions are high. If you are overly emotional and/or upset about something, doing so gives you time to cool off and then reflect on the situation with greater space, perspective, calmness, and clarity. If you still want to talk about it, schedule a mutually agreed upon time to do so. Say something like, ‘I am upset about what you just said/did, but I want to think about it before we talk.’ Mentally, you’ll be in a much better place.” – Romy, 52, California (married 26 years) 


8. You won’t always be on the same page

“And that’s okay. Patience and communication are key to any successful relationship, but especially a long-term one. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree about everything. There will be times when you need to listen more than you talk, and times when you need to communicate openly and honestly. You can do this by making time for each other, even when life gets busy. Whether it’s taking a walk after dinner or spending a weekend away together, do everything you can to keep the bond strong.” – Steve, 49, Arizona (married 26 years) 


9. Keep each other guessing 

“My husband is a quiet man. Me? Not so much. I was surprised when he told me how much he loves the fact that he never knows what I’m going to do from one minute to the next. And I appreciate his willingness to try different things. As our unofficial ‘social secretary,’ I’ve planned trips where he hasn’t really known where we’re going until we get on the plane. Our secret really is just keeping our life interesting. Otherwise, life becomes stale and boring. Do something unexpected from time to time and you’ll learn how much you cherish each other’s company.” – Carol, 72, Georgia (married 49 years)


10. Ask for space when you need it

“I think many couples are afraid to say, ‘Hey, I need some time alone, away from you.’ They worry that their partner will take it personally, and so they avoid the conversation completely. Early in our courtship, we were very clear with each other about the fact that we wouldn’t survive marriage if we couldn’t each have our own space. So, we’re not shy with each other when we need a breather. Sometimes it’s just a few hours with a good book. Other times, one of us wants to get a coffee and run errands on a Saturday. The key is being respectful about the request, considering any commitments you might have, and using that time to recharge yourself for the betterment of the relationship.” – Curt, 64, South Carolina (married for 36 years)


11. Learn each other’s love language

“Any act of love done with the best intentions is good, but knowing how your partner prefers to receive those gestures can make them much more special. My wife’s two love languages are quality time and acts of service. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve learned how happy it makes her when I help out around the house. Simple things, like unloading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry, make her so happy. And because I pitch in, and we work as a team, we’re able to spend more quality time together. You can take the tests and stuff to figure out what each other’s love language is. That’s easy. The more fun part is finding out how you can try to speak to your partner using them every day.” – Gene, 54, Massachusetts (married 28 years) 


12. Always kiss goodnight

“In all of our years of marriage, I think there have been maybe a dozen times my husband and I haven’t kissed each other goodnight. Even when we’ve had terrible, terrible arguments, we always kiss each other on the cheek, or the forehead, just as a way to remind each other that we’ll get through this. When you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re so angry, it can be hard to say, ‘I love you.’ Sometimes, you just don’t have the voice. But a quick kiss can say a lot, and for us it has.” – Renee, 60, Texas (married 31 years)


13. Be patient with your spouse — and yourself

“You need to be flexible in a marriage. You need to understand that, if you and your partner truly love each other, you’re not deliberately trying to make things difficult. But, inevitably, there will come times when you just can’t agree. In those times, you need to remember that you both are only human. We used to get upset with each other, and then beat ourselves up pretty badly because we’d think, ‘I should be better at this…” And our marriage suffered. It wasn’t until we were able to extend grace to ourselves and each other, and remind ourselves that we are both still learning how to be better every day that we really grew as a couple.” – Ray, 47, New York (married 25 years)  


14. Never assume

“If your partner is upset with you, don’t assume you know why. If he’s quiet or down, don’t assume you know why. If you’re upset, don’t assume he knows why. You have to remember that, no matter how connected you both may be, you’re not mind-readers. You need to communicate as clearly as possible, and as frequently as possible. Give each other permission to say you’d rather wait to talk about things, but always let your partner know that you don’t want to assume you know what’s going on.” – Christine, 51, Connecticut (married 26 years)


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Know! Six R’s for Less Stress Homeschooling

Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition - Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Know! Six R’s for Less Stress Homeschooling



The pandemic wreaked havoc on many families’ summer plans, and now as school starts back in session, it appears the turbulence will continue. Some schools plan to take place in-person, some plan to go virtual, some are planning for a blended version. Regardless of how it starts off, most schools have been clear that all plans are subject to change depending on COVID-19 numbers—which gives way to more uncertainty.

Uncertainty means different things for different people, as we are each faced with unique family dynamics and circumstances. However, we are all in the same boat when it comes to the concern for how these changes will impact our children’s academic success, mental health, physical well-being, and futures.

Whether your children are at home from the start or may be learning from home at some point, here are some tips to keep in mind to help them achieve success academically, stay physically and mentally healthy, and forge ahead with resiliency.


Six R’s for less stress homeschooling:

Realistic Expectations: This is a key starting point. Set your standards high but be sure to give yourself and your children grace along the way. Don’t strive for perfection, be too intense, or overschedule. Simply do your best as you step into this type of teaching role while encouraging your child to do the same.


Requirements: Be clear on what is required of your child weekly and daily. Monitor their ability to comprehend the task at hand and complete the assignment. Depending on your individual child, your necessary level of involvement will vary—which means potentially more work and more stress for some families than others.


Rules and Routine: Create rules surrounding time for work and play. Many families find that it works best to get the schoolwork completed first, then have the rest of the day for play. If your child’s school requires them to be on live sessions, that will determine their schedule to some degree. However, it is up to you and your child to come up with a routine that fits best—then stick to it.


Relief: This comes in the form of self-care for you and for your child so that you can be in the best frame of mind to be helpful, and your child can be in the best frame of mind to continue learning. It’s essential that all parties involved are getting enough sleep, eating well-balanced diets, getting exercise, and making time to relax.


Resources: Check first with your child’s school to see what they have to offer, then go online as there are endless free resources to help with homeschooling.

Many of us got our first taste of homeschooling back in the spring when schools were shutting down across the nation. Depending on how that went for you and your child(ren), you may be feeling more or less stressed about beginning the new school year at home. You are encouraged to take it one day, one subject, one lesson at a time, and remember that we are all in this together and that this too shall pass.


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The 8 Communication Traits of Happy, Healthy Marriages

Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition - Friday, May 22, 2020

The 8 Communication Traits of Happy, Healthy Marriages

They're essential for a long lasting union.

By Jeremy Brown Jul 12 2018, 5:49 PM

In all aspects of life, communication is key. But in a marriage, if there’s a communication breakdown, it can bring the whole thing down. As such, it’s vital for couples to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, however, that’s usually a lot easier said than done.

“The number one thing is that people want to be understood and they want to feel like their emotions are being valued,” says Jonathan Robinson, a couple’s therapist and author of the new book More Love, Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples. “And when that doesn’t happen, marriages start to have problems. I never have couples come into my office saying, ‘We really understand each other, that’s why we want a divorce!’ But of course the opposite happens all the time.” But how can couples start on that road to understanding and better, healthier interaction? Here are eight traits that all happy marriages share.

They Do Daily Appreciations

A simple note, text message, or compliment can go a long way in a relationship, Robinson says. Just letting your spouse know that he or she is appreciated and that their efforts aren’t going unnoticed can help them to feel validated and understood. “The number one correlation with happiness in couples is the number of appreciations they give to each other,” he says. “We forget to do daily appreciations.”

They Listen Actively

As your grade school teacher likely chided you about, there’s a difference between “hearing” and listening.” This is a big part of a happy marriage, too. In order to fully take in what your spouse is saying to you, Robinson recommends what he calls ‘empathic listening,’ which means listening and responding not with solutions or options but with such phrases as, “I can see that you’re upset because…” That level of understanding can help husbands and wives diffuse arguments relatively quickly. “It’s hard for couples to do this because they get triggered so easily, and they don’t know this skill,” says Robinson. “So it’s really important that they practice it with small things before they get triggered. So that, when they’re triggered, they’ll still be able to do it.”

They Write Down Criticisms

No matter how things are going in your marriage, good or bad, if you criticize your spouse aloud, there will be flare-ups. That’s why Robinson recommends writing down some things about your partner that might rub you the wrong way and presenting them to your partner. When criticisms are presented in this fashion, your partner can take them, process them, and formulate an answer, rather than just firing back a retort.
“I usually have couples do that once every three months so it doesn’t get overwhelming. Just say, ‘These are some of the things I’m having a hard time with,’” Robinson says. “Complaining and shaming your spouse into trying to change does not work. I think direct criticism is to be avoided completely. But if you need to say something, do it in written form.”

They Practice Positivity

Research shows that happy couples who practice a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative behaviors are more likely to be happy and healthy. Robinson does agree that that sentiment has shown to be true, but also acknowledges that very few married couples realistically practice that. However, he says that saying positive statements out loud on a regular basis helps build equity in a relationship and can be key in diffusing arguments down the road.

“It’s really important to have those positive statements,” he says. “It’s like money in the bank. So that, when you need to make a withdrawal because of life circumstances or stress, you have something in the bank to withdraw from. And if you don’t say positive statements on an ongoing basis, then your marriage can easily go bankrupt.”

They Embrace the Power of the Time Out

A marital disagreement can go from a spark to a five-alarm blaze with one wrong word. To keep that from happening, Robinson recommends putting the brakes on a disagreement before it gets out of hand.

“If you see you’re getting hot and heavy and upset, use the phrase ‘red light,’” he says. “That’s a signal that you should take minutes to just quiet down and say nothing and calm down. By the time you’re back after two minutes, you’re more likely to be in the rational part of your brain and not be upset.”

They Make Contact

Don’t underestimate the power of simple gestures. You can say a lot without saying a word just by holding hands or giving a hug. “All these things are really important, because in this culture, we don’t have enough physical touch,” says Robinson. “So I have couples do that every day. And it’s not to be overlooked.”

They Use “I” Statements

What you say during an argument matters. When you do argue with your spouse, try and shift the focus by not casting blame and saying, “You did this” or ‘You need to fix this’ and instead use “I” statements. “When you use ‘you’ statements, they feel blamed and their ears turn off,” says Robinson. “So, when you use ‘I’ statements, you avoid that. You can take responsibility by using a statement like, ‘One way I see I contributed to this upset is…’ What you’re trying to do is not have your partner become defensive and ‘I’ statement or taking some responsibility helps with that.”

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About DFFC

The Delaware Fatherhood & Family Coalition is an extension of the Promoting Safe and Stable Families Program and the Responsible Fatherhood Initiative created specifically to give a voice to fathers and the importance of their involvement for the well-being of their children.


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